WACC week.

Whoever said everything gets old at some point couldn't be more right. Alas, even the thing as exciting as recounting my adventures at work and outside, got boring after a while. Do not get me wrong, there's still tons of events happening on a weekly basis, but trying to keep track of all of them, attend them all plus having to work a twelve-hours days have taken a toll on me and I didn't feel like writing for a while.
In general, however, this past week or so has been very busy for me both at work and socially. I managed to go out five times in seven days and still somewhat function at work. Although "function" is too strong of a word to describe what I was actually doing there - it was more like being present at work and staring at my computer screen to create an illusion of some sort of performance on my part. I swear, my IQ dropped about ten points as a result of that...
So it all started this past Wednesday when my friends and I decided to go to DC after work. Well, after work miraculously turned into 11:30 p.m. as this was about the time I showed up. My friends were there already and apparently weren’t wasting any time getting wasted.
I tried to take it slow with drinks since I knew I had to be at work early the next day so therefore I decided to smoke a cigarette instead. None of my friends were smoking so I was mentally preparing to sharing a cigarette and a conversation with myself when another friend of mine popped out of the darkness. He told me later that he was trying to get himself a drink, but I figured since I ran into him he might as well keep me company outside. So he did. He actually tried to resist at first, but I told him it’d be one tiny little trip that won’t take more than five minutes. Well, took us more like fifteen. We had one smoke, then another, then were chatting in between. Not that he didn’t have fun. He was laughing his ass off most of the time as I was doing all the talking. And then he blamed me for smoking slowly! How on earth can I smoke and talk at the same time? I mean I am an awesome multitasker but I am not that talented. He did manage to bring me to tears at one point. He was telling me about a project he was working on for school that involved WACC ("weighted average cost of capital" concept in finance) when he mentioned the "wasted average cost of capital" instead. But honestly, given his condition at that point, it was more like a getting "wasted" concept he was working on. Although I definitely would like to find out how he calculated it and how he tested his calculations. I’ll have to ask him later. When we were done laughing, we finally got inside and spent the rest of the night dancing. It was all so fun much, until...
The next day I could barely get up from all the dancing we did the night before. I somehow got up (please note I didn’t say "wake up") and dragged my ass to work. I probably could've managed to sit at my desk all day and play a vegetable if it weren't for a meeting later that day. The worst part was, I had to do all the talking there when all I wanted to do was put my head on the table and take a nap. No pillow required. But thankfully, I managed to survive the day and even had time to take a little nap when I got home. Then I was off to Ray's house...
Latest news - we are sort of back together. We did have another drink after that memorable text message, and then ended up having sex. It was hot. Although somewhat uncomfortable given the location. However, now we are just sleeping together as opposed to whatever we were doing before. I figured it's just easier this way. Don't like the drama.
Anyhow, I made it to his house to catch up on wherever we left off the previous Sunday. And again, I didn't make it home until after 2 a.m.
If I thought Thursday was bad, it was heaven compared to Friday. It took me ten minutes in the morning to 1) realize that my alarm was going off, 2) realize that it wasn't going off in my dream, 3) open left eye, 4) open my right eye, 5) get up and hit snooze, 6) go back to sleep. I was up in ten minutes though, since the bastard went off again and I couldn't afford sleeping any longer - I can't be late for work for more than half an hour. I showed up at 10 a.m. Half an hour, an hour, who would notice, right? This time I actually had to take a lunch nap in my car. Honestly, that hour did wonders and although I didn't feel rested, I could at least walk straight and keep my eyes somewhat open and focused... That same evening, a friend of mine, R., invited me to a Tin Foil Party (oh, it better be good cause I don't like the name already), and since I bailed on him three times in the past, I had no choice but go this time. The party turned out to be one of those dorm parties where you drink and play video games. Although they didn't have enough alcohol. I did meet one or two cool people when we got there but they left soon after R. and I showed up. I got the business card though... We left pretty early (actually they kicked us out, which is kind of incomprehensible to me, since if you have to get up early, why throw a party at all). Since both of us didn't feel like going home, we went to eat first, and by the time we made it back it was after 3 a.m. Again. I was way to exhausted to drive home, so I just stayed there for the night...
Now, the funniest part. I have no recollection of Saturday. I know I had plans and I know it was exciting and I know I went out. I just have no idea what I did. Interesting. Must've had hell of a good time...
Oh well, maybe I'll remember it later.
Damn, I have to catch up with posts, otherwise I am losing so much of an important information that can be so useful for the future generation... Or it can be a warning for them too, depends how you look at it.

Head meet desk...Part II

So yesterday I met this guy I texted this past Saturday . He picked me up around 8 pm and we went to the bar I was actually unfamiliar with (shocker). It was kinda empty for a Thursday night, but I didn't expect it to be anymore packed since I've never even heard of this place. So the first thing I noticed about him was the fact that he got a new car (another shocker - that guy is crazy about gadgets, and if wants one, he gets one), and that he looked exactly the same as I remembered. Just as good as a year ago. Well, that just makes things harder. If he, for example, gained twenty pounds, I would've felt better, but we can never get what we want, can we? We had a few beers and spent the rest of the night chatting about old times and some recent events. He seemed the same as when I left him, but there was one thing that I noticed when we stepped outside for a cigarette - he was nervous. When he shouldn't have been. I mean, you don't really get nervous after you've spent more than two years with somebody, even though you haven't seen them for a while. Or do you? He definitely was. Random questions, abrupt gestures, you name it - he did it. I thought it was funny considering the fact that he never seemed nervous when we were together. Except for our first night together... but that is acceptable and totally understandable. I would be too... if I had fewer drinks.
Anyhow, after three hours or so of drinking, I decided it was time to head home since I had to work the next day. Honestly speaking, I was waiting for him to bring up the past, but he didn't mention anything and I was actually hoping we are just going to leave it at that and write off my text message as a stupid prank. Wishful thinking... He drove me home first and then I stayed in his car for another ten minutes to finish up my cigarette. I was about to leave when he finally asked, "Are you sure you have to go?". "No, but I better go." And it was the truth - I wanted to stay more than ever but I knew that if I do, we'll be back right where we started. So I wished him good night and headed home.
I got up the next morning convinced I made the right decision. My phone didn't think so though. I had one new text message, "Not even one kiss..." I have to admit it made me smile. I knew it was wrong, but I was relieved to know his thoughts were going in the same direction as mine, even though the sign should have read, "Do not enter. High voltage." I spent the rest of the day pondering whether I should reply, and at the end wrote, "Have one more drink and maybe there will be another kiss."
And I left it at that. I didn't say Yes, didn't say No but I left the door slightly open...

A short update.

So here's what happened in the past to days. I kept my word and ignored the message I received this past Sunday. However, I think he decided to be percistent for a change (!!!) and texted me again yesterday asking if I would like to go out for drinks Thursday night. Me, honestly trying not to read into it anything, said "Yes." He then said he was going to pick me up and we'll go out and catch up. He also followed up today to go over the details of our encounter. I told him I don't care where we go and that he can pick a place. Because I really don't. I am more interested to see how things will develop on Thursday.

Until then, then. Will write more as soon as I find out anything, or more like when I see what happens.

Head, meet desk.

Seriously, someone needs to take my phone away from me when I am driving home after a night out. The night started out slowly and I actually didn't feel like going anywhere since it started pouring, so I decided to go to my favorite bar, have a beer or two and do some crowd-watching. I have to admit I never ventured out alone anywhere, but I figured it would be a nice thing to try out, just to see how it feels. Well, it was awesome. It was three-quarters full when I got there so I didn't have any trouble finding an empty chair by the bar. One of the bartenders striked up a conversation with me and we ended up chatting with him and another girl for about fifteen minutes. You know, it's so fascinating to eavesdrop on a conversation. I mean, technically I wasn't snooping around, they were fully aware I was there following their dialogue. It was just really funny listening to them talk about customers and different things they see throughout their shift. As in, I am the customer, so really, they are talking about me but I get to sit in and listen to what they have to say. Or how they talk about their job and bosses and having to stay until 4 am (did you know bartenders have to stay extra two - two and a half hours after closing to clean up and for inventory? Unbelievable). Anyhow, it was great until I decided to smoke a cigarette. That's where things went downhill. I was about to walk out to a patio but then saw two guys approaching me. One of them asked if I had a spare and since my pack was outside I couldn't say No. So he asked if he could go outside with me. Sure, I could care less. I was hoping things would end there. But no. He asked me all the standard things and pretty much was trying to make a conversation. I don't know what exactly about my expression told him "interested" because I was bored out of my mind. Then they invited me over to watch "Borat". At that point I excused myself and went inside. There I saw my bartenders so I made my way over and inquired if I could sit with them for a few minutes until the unpleasant guys left. They totally understood and we spent another ten minutes chatting. I think all in all I had about six or seven beers in a little over than two hours. However, I only got charged for four, so I cannot be sure. But it was definitely more than I needed. I headed home soon thereafter but instead decided to go for a ride. As I drove through the rain, I decided to text my ex whom I haven't spoken to for a while, if you don't count the New Year message. The very strange message. I asked him one of the simplest things "What you doing?" What any normal person can possibly be doing at 3 am? The correct answer is "Sleeping". I just wanted to get laid. I also didn't get a reply which I think was for the best...

I woke up this morning (my morning starts around 2 pm on weekends), and saw a message from him. C'mon, why couldn't he just ignore it? It read "Thinking about the old times." Very sleek. Now I will ignore it instead. Hopefully I'll be able to overlook it altogether...

One free day.

I finally took a day off at work since I haven't had one since last summer, and even that was because I had a doctor appointment. Now one thing I don't know is why in hell did I wake up at 9 am? Given the fact I've been out until 4 am this does not sit well with me. Yes, you heard me right, I went out last night since I knew I didn't have to get up early in the morning. It was amazing. I met up with a bunch of friends and even more people I've never seen in my life and we ended up having a fantastic time. A lot of people consider it strange going out during the week but for me it is a chance to unwind and chill. I feel like I rest much better if I go out than if I stay home and catch up on my sleep. I know, sounds weird, but it works for me. Brings the weekend closer. I also confronted a friend of mine about his recent behavior, but didn't get a straight answer. Well, I did but i still do not believe he was completely honest. Basically, we used to hang out all the time last year, and then suddenly stopped. I mean we still talk either on the phone or online almost daily, but hardly ever hang out. So basically, I asked what was up with that. His response? Nothing, I don't think anything changed. Bullshit! But hey, if he doesn't want to admit anything, I shouldn't really bother to find out, should I? Except he is a very good friend of mine (or so I thought), and I definitely don't want to stop talking to him altogether...
Anyhow, I was bored all day yesterday and eventually decided to call up AJ. He happened to be at work but free afterwards - it seems like he's usually free whenever I call him (which suits me perfectly well), so we decided to meet up afterwards. He was his usual AJ but we ended up having a great time. I did exactly the same thing as the last few time and spent the rest of the night away from everyone.
That's just me - I either enjoy big groups of people and loud places or night alone in front of the TV.

Welcome to Ben's.

This has definitely been a slow weekend in terms of venues visited. I cannot complain though because last night was pretty hilarious, and overall presented a nice break from dancing the weekend away.
I decided to meet a friend of mine in downtown Arlington (by the way, did you know that Arlington is not a city but actually a county and that there are no actual cities in that county? Live and learn). Anyhow, we decided to go to the bar I've been to once before around 11 pm. Knowing that she is just as bad as I am in terms of running late, I assumed I'll be good if I show up around 11:15 pm. Which is exactly what I did. She was there already, and imagine my surprise when I saw her former roommate standing next to her. She noticed my surprised look and said that he asked her to come along when she was getting ready. Fine with me. I knew him from before and thought he was a pretty cool guy. His friend was also there so we all went upstairs where we had a few drinks and chatted the night away. The greatest thing about this bar is the fact that you can actually smoke inside and don't have to run out every time you feel like lighting up. Add to it the fact that it was still cold and it made the place almost priceless. So we had a few more drinks and then my friend's roommate bought everyone shots. And I know I said just yesterday that there will be more shots and drinks, I have to pint out that I was drinking vodka before, and not beer like last night. As long as I don't mix, you know. Apparently, this rule applied to me only, as my friend seemed pretty drunk when we walked out of the bar. At least her eyes were unfocused even though she was walking straight. We headed for a nearby diner to grab some food so we could sober up but the place was packed given it was the only one open in two miles radius and all the bars have just closed. We then decided check out another place ten minutes away, but it was just as busy. Then my friend's roommate's friend (damn it just took me an hour to type it out) suggested this place on U St. that he claimed had some awesome food. I have to admit, I was pretty sceptical about this since I knew the area and thought it would be just as packed as everywhere else, but he claimed we would be fine. Since I was starving and our other options included Mac Donald's, I agreed to go. When we got there, I realized that my predictions came true, the place was probably busier, if possible, than the other two. However, the guys didn't mention that they knew the owner and we were seated within two minutes. You know what, they were right, the food was amazing. Well, I got chili and it was the best chili I ever had. As we were enjoying our food, the waiter brought out the hot-dog that had "Welcome to Ben's" written out on it in ketchup. I took a picture of it but unfortunately I lost the cable and at the moment cannot transfer pictures from my phone to the computer. So you'll just have to believe me that it was pretty damn cool. And if I find the cable, I'll definitely post it here.
After we were done, I didn't feel like driving home, so my friend and I decided to spend the night at her former roommate's. Since he only has one bedroom, we had no choice but to kick him out of bed since the couch wouldn't fit both of us. He left to sleep in the living room and I was so tired, I was asleep within two seconds tops. Oh, and did I forget to mention my friend recently got back with her boyfriend and things are going well between them. How do I know? I woke up with her arm around me... Good for them.
At first I was going to get up and go home quietly when I realized that I left my car in Arlington. Good to know it only took me half a day to realize that. I woke up my friend and she gave me a ride back and thankfully my car was still there. I promise I will never leave my baby alone.
I've been making too many promises lately, seems like.

Unexpected scenario.

One thing I noticed is that I start a lot of my posts with words like "weird", "bizarre", etc. And although most of the nights out turn out to be, shall I say, interesting, very few of them really deserve the "weird" title. Well, last night was definitely one of those...
No one could have predicted anything but a quiet night. It was another freezing Friday night and I decided to go to a local bar with a co-worker. As usual, I fell asleep and didn't get there until around 11 pm. And naturally, I was late. They were there already but it seemed like they arrived just a few minutes before me as the food wasn't there yet. I didn't know anyone except for my co-worker but it never really stopped me before, and wasn't an obstacle that night. We were having a great time, it was St. Patrick's, so the drinks kept coming, and I already regretted I have to drive home so soon. Then we went outside for a cigarette, leaving one girl at the table. Looking back, that was probably where things went awry. When we came back, I noticed she already found two guys to entertain her. On the side note, one of those guys was hot. It turned out he took my seat so I told him to go away so I can sit down. He let me have my seat, but didn't go away. Instead, he pulled another chair to the table and we started chatting. We also started doing shots, and on another side note - no more shots and beers in one night. Another hour or so passed and the bar was finally closing for the night so we decided to go outside for one last cigarette before heading home. I am not sure exactly how it happened, but the new guy and I were the only people who ended up outside. As I was smoking a cigarette, he leaned in and kissed me. He was a decent kisser and I, fueled by a massive dose of alcohol, asked him what he was doing later. Don't ask me why, it's been a while since I got laid. The guy was cute, it turned out he was staying in the hotel across the street and leaving the next day - the situation seemed perfect. And it was until we actually got to bed. Turned out, the guy would start giggling every time I'd touch him. And I mean giggling like a fifth grader. Even though it was fairly nice otherwise, this fact completely weirded me out and all I could think at that point was how to get home as soon as possible and finally get to my own bed. I made up some stupid excuse as soon as we were done and left. Seriously, I never got dressed so fast. Out of all funny or strange situations I've been in, this was the one. I mean, my friends and I talk about this stuff all the time and I've heard my share of their odd stories, but never anything like this. Oh well, I guess I have to dub this night "The most bizarre".
So far...

Some refreshment.

So after the news I heard this past Friday, I wasn't at all sure if I wanted to venture out of the house this weekend. However, the longer I stayed home Saturday, reading up some stuff and watching TV, the more often have I been returning to the same thoughts that bugged me all day at work Friday. Once 9 o'clock rolled around I was at a point that I simply had to go out no matter where we went. So after careful consideration I decided I was pretty much indifferent where I go and agreed to my friend's suggestion to go to this lounge on M street where we spent the most of Saturday nights last summer. To my great surprise however, as we drove by it looking for a parking, we realized that nothing was there - not a sign, not a person. As I pointed out to my friends, I guess they had to close the place down once we stopped going there. Highly disappointed, we had no choice but to go back to this club downtown that I pretty much hate at this point. Don't get me wrong, the place is fairly good in terms of music and service, but since we always hang out in the VIP room, I see the same people over and over - same faces, same situations. That gets pretty boring after a while. However, this time should have been different. A few weeks back I met this guy there that I kind of liked. Actually, I knew him from long time ago, I noticed him not long after I first started hanging out at the club, it's just that I have never talked to him as we did not have similar points of interest or mutual friends. A few weeks ago it got different though and I somewhat have to thank our government for prohibiting smoking in DC. He striked up a conversation first and then I offered to go outside to have a cigarette. One thing led to another and we danced the whole night long just enjoying each other's company. We did exchange phone numbers but I don't think either of us thought of it seriously or expected it to turn into something more. Over the past few weeks we occasionally traded text messages but never actually met up. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends last week, but I wasn't in a mood to see him. Anyhow, long story short, I ran into him this weekend again. I was just standing there talking to a friend I didn't see for a while when I noticed A. standing right behind my friend staring straight at me. Surprise, surprise. Other things aside (such as feeling slightly embarrassed for never going out with him), I had a great time catching up and just chatting the night away as he proved to be really funny and easygoing. Basically, just like me. I guess I was having a little too much fun and maybe a little bit more alcohol than I should have, because before I knew it we were kissing on the same spot we stood two minutes ago having a conversation. And let me tell you, it was hot. I mean, we did share a kiss the night we shared that cigarette, but that was more like a peck than a real kiss. This time it was the real stuff. I guess we got a bit carried away because the next thing I knew the lights came on and my friends started coming in and out of the room grabbing their stuff. I told a friend I rode with that I'll be downstairs in fifteen minutes and she left. After that I couldn't wait for these people to finally leave so I had to pull him into an adjacent room which just happened to be empty. And then we just got carried away, making out like crazy away from everyone eyes. Yes, he definitely was a great kisser. Those were pretty hot fifteen minutes, or twenty, or ... who really cares how much time has passed...
One thing I did realize when we finally emerged though, was the fact that my friends have left leaving me at the club without my car keys, or my cell phone. My elation gave place to frustration and anger as I specifically told them not to leave without me as they had all my belongings. I told A. about it and he got in touch with his other friend who told him where people I came in with went. He then gave me a ride and I was able to retrieve all my belongings from my friend. She gave me the lamest excuse ever that she thought I had already left and whatnot but I was way too mad to even consider what she had told me. Seriously, after spending a good hour in a serious lip lock with a hot guy, I had to stand there and listen why a friend of mine left me alone even though she knew I wouldn't have means of getting home. Alcohol truly does wonders.
As I woke up the next day, I texted A. thanking him of taking care of everything the night before. I then decided to go watch "300" after much hype that I heard about the movie. I called my friend up and dragged him out with me. Seriously? Awesome! Absolutely raving... great special effects, amazing story line and graphics. And actors? Wash boards from head to toe. At one point during the movie I actually leaned in to my friend and said, "Damn these guys are all so ripped". His response? "I knew you were going to say it, I was just surprised it took you this long". But c'mon, have you seen those guys? I am sure anyone with eyes would have said the same thing.
Don't you agree?

Dedicated to V.E.M.

Do you ever wonder how the course of you day can change with just one short phone call? It was this morning and I was at work enjoying my morning coffee and preparing for another day of sitting in front of the computer doing nothing. The weather was decent which promised an opportunity for an evening entertainment. I was sitting in my chair mentally going through the list of places I could visit later in the evening, discussing every possibility with a friend of mine who finally agreed to come out with us too. It was pretty quiet at work as people just got in and were still trying to wake up or wrap up tasks they haven't finished the day before... And then I heard a ring of my phone, piercing the morning silence (which I naturally forgot to switch to vibrate). I jumped from my chair and checked the caller ID - who could be calling me at 10 o'clock in the morning. The screen read "Dad." I picked up the phone thinking he needed me to check on something or inform me of some upcoming family engagement, but the moment I heard his voice I knew something was wrong. "It's about V.E.M.", he said. He didn't have to say anything else - I instantly knew what happened. "He passed away early this morning", he said, "Complications after the surgery." The person I remembered since I was five years old has passed away. Unexpected surgery, doctor's promises that everything would be fine, long albeit fairly stable recovery period, and now this. It just didn't make much sense. "When are we going there?", I asked. We weren't. He said my grandmother was sick at the time and that we wouldn't be able to go. This made even less sense. Shouldn't we at least pay our last respects? It is not like we had to go across the globe to do so, it was in California. The trip could have been completed within two days. Leaving on Saturday, coming back the following Monday. Puzzled, I told my dad it's fine and hung up...

Another person that meant something to me was gone...

You know, I am not religious or anything but I guess at moments like this one starts wondering about these things even though one doesn't believe in them. So this time too, I was sitting at work somehow positive that we will be able to see those we knew and respected again. Don't know how, but it has to be true... otherwise it would be too hard to deal with these things when you have nothing to look forward to. At times like these it seems like they are not gone, but merely lurking out of sight, behind the veil, so close and at the same time so far, reminding of themselves every year on their anniversary. Seems like all you have to do is extend your hand, pull the curtain back and reach out to them, but the moment you try to do so, they pull away and are even farther from you than ever before...
I was trying to think of all the positive moments we spent together, but with every passing minute it was harder and harder to do. Why is it that we forget things we try to remember and remember things we try so hard to forget? This time too, I had a hard time picking out those good moments out of the mess of memories I have of my childhood and adolescence. Yet, all the negative vaporized from my memory, yielding spece for better memories and experiences. And this is how I will always remember him...



You will always be smiling in my dreams and memories...

A trip down a memory line.

It has been more than a year since I graduated. I decided that in light of the passed anniversary, it is time to sit down and reflect on what had happened in this past year. As I look up at my slightly ripped diploma hanging on my wall I cannot help but feel both extremely happy and sad about everything that happened recently.
This post has probably been the hardest I ever had to write. I wrote countless paragraphs only to erase everything and start over. Everything that I came up with before, I did not feel fully it expressed what had happened and how it changed me.
School was tough and fun at the same time. Tough because I had to put myself through it, from tuition and related expenses to transportation. I am grateful my family provided me with a place to stay though, so I wouldn't have to rent an apartment on top of everything. I was given an opportunity to make something out of myself and I seized it and I succeeded. I guess the saying is true, that you can reach any heights you want. However, it also made me somewhat egoistical and, I dare to say it, arrogant. I had no one else to rely on, so there was no other choice but keep telling myself I was enough and handle anything that comes my way. And I most certainly could. But it made be harsh in my relationships with others. I cannot tolerate indecisiveness and flakiness, and I rarely give second chances to guys I am with. If you screwed up, you screwed up and have no one to blame but yourself. It made me self-reliant and now I am not seeking someone. If he is there - great, if not - even better thanks to countless potential opportunities. It takes a lot to keep me involved now. I get bored with them quickly and we split. I know deep inside I'd rather be by myself than with someone I am even slightly uncomfortable with. I play around when I want and I stay engaged when I want - I do what I want all the time. Some may call it inconsiderate. I would probably agree if there weren't other aspects that prove them wrong.
School also taught me about inconsistency in friendships. Thanks to this fast-paced life many have come to worship, it was extremely hard to hold on to friends. The ever-changing environment and a constant rotation between different places and cities diminished my ability to stick to a particular group of friends. I probably met a myriad of different people while in school, yet I have lost touch with the majority of them within only one year. My constant movements from place to place resulted in the absence of a stable circle of trustworthy people. I do have several good friends who I consider reliable and who I would turn to should the need arise. The amusing part of it is that they generally have not met, or are only vaguely familiar with one another. It's more like me in the middle and a group of people around connected to me but not to each other. Perhaps, the circumstances of our first encounters are so different with every single one of them that there are not a lot of common features among them to form a group.
I love my friends to death, yet I am somewhat of a loner. I cannot stand wasting my time sitting home and prefer to be in the company of other people, yet there are only a few I keep close. Only about half a dozen I can trust with everything and am sure they are always there for me. As much as I like the crowd, I cannot stand obnoxiousness. Just as I can't stand gossip and criticism aimed at people I don't know. Maybe that explains why more than a half of my good friends are guys. I hate drama and am drawn to people who feel the same. It is possibly for this reason that I get out of relationships at the first hint of complications or "the talk". And the reason I don't like to explain myself when I do so.
I am a child deep inside, yet I was forced to become an adult early and take care of myself. I've been doing just that ever since, still I don't feel I'll ever grow out of my ways. I easily compromise about insignificant things, but remain extremely stubborn when it comes to the rest of my decisions. I will listen to your opinion, but at the end will do what I want. It got me in trouble countless times, yet I am reluctant to change my opinion once I've formed it. I am told I should learn from other's mistakes, still I keep learning from my own. It's much harder but at least I never forget the lesson.
It takes a while to earn my trust. I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a few people I consider friends. I have a great distinction between these terms in my head even if I call everyone friends when I speak. Once I think of someone as a friend, I'll do everything to be there for them, to help them and to care for them. I am loyal to these people, yet ignorant when it comes to everyone else. I can deal with many things as they come my way, but I can never forget or forgive a betrayal.
I am aged at my young age by my experience, yet I am willing to accept whatever else it throws at me. I am not afraid of the challenge, I am looking forward to it. I am confident to the extreme that there's nothing I cannot deal with at this point. Not after I look back. Not after I have an understanding and knowledge that life taught me...

Window notes.

I died almost nine years ago. However I am not writing you to tell you how it is up here. I am writing to tell you my story. The story of my big love. And I also want to let you know that love doesn't die. Even in the other world. Even if others try to kill it, even if you want to too. Love doesn't die. Never. We met on December 31st. I decided to spend the New Year with my third wife at my old friends'. Until I met her, my existence was so pathetic and useless that I asked myself often, "What do I live for?" Work? Yes, I liked what I did. Family? I really wanted to have kids, but didn't have them. Now I know that the purpose of my life was to wait for that encounter. I don't want to describe her. Actually, I will not be able to describe her so that you really understand what she looked like. Because every letter, every line of this letter is saturated with my love for her, and I was willing to give up everything for every eyelash and every tear that fell from her sad eyes. So, it happened on December 31st. I knew I was in love right then and there. If she were by herself, I wouldn't have been ashamed of my third wife and would have made my way over to her within the first minute of our meeting. But she wasn't alone. She was with my best friend. They knew each other for only a few weeks, but he told me a lot of interesting things about her. And now, I met her. When the clock have chimed and the toasts have been said, I made my way to the window. The glass got misted from my breath and I wrote, "I love you". I stepped back, and the writing had disappeared before my eyes. Then there was a feast and more toasts. I came back to the window in an hour. I blew the hot air on the glass and saw "I am yours". My feet gave out and my breathing stopped for a few seconds... Love only comes once. And the person knows it instantly. Everything that happened in my life before this day - it was all tinsel, a dream, a delirium. There are too many words to describe that. But my life started on that exact New Year Eve, because I realized, I saw it in her eyes, that this day was also the first day of her life. On January, the 2nd we moved to the hotel and were planning to buy our own small place. It became a habit of ours to write notes on windows for each other. I'd write, "You are my dream". She'd respond, "Just don't wake up". We left our innermost wishes on the hotel windows, in the car, at our friends' houses. We were together for exactly two months. Then I died.
Now I only visit her when she is asleep. I sit on her bed and smell her skin. I can't cry. I don't know how. But I feel the pain. Not the physical one, but emotional. She has been celebrating New Year alone for the past eight years. She sits by the window, pours champagne in the glass and cries. I also know that she continues writing notes on the windows for me. Every day. But I can't read them because the window glass doesn't mist over from my breath.
Last New Year was unusual. I don't want to reveal all the secrets of the other world, but I have earned one wish. I dreamed of reading the last note she left on the window. And when she fell asleep, I sat by her bed for a long time, caressing her hair, kissing her hands... And then I made my way over to the window. I knew I could do it, I knew I would be able to see her last message - and I saw it. She left only one word for me, "Let me go".
This New Year will be the last one that she spends alone. I got a permission for my last wish in exchange for never visiting her and never seeing her again. This New Year, when the clock chimes midnight, and when everyone is celebrating and congratulating each other, when the Universe stands still awaiting the first breath, the first second of the new year, she will pour herself some champagne, she will walk over to the window, and will see my writing, "I am letting you go".

A shout from down under.

And I am back to work yet again. This three day weekend has passed by even faster than all the regular ones. Indeed, Friday and Saturday were pretty busy and intense, therefore it was Sunday evening before I could even blink. As much as I wanted to go somewhere on a Sunday night, I was forced to stay home since the weather was horrible. Even though I absolutely love snow, I cannot stand wind and sleet and that is exactly how the outside looked. As a result I had to refrain from any further adventures and instead curled up in my bed with a book. I intended to spend the entire day, or to be more exact, what was left of it, doing exactly that but then the funny thing happened. My phone rang and when I picked up I heard an unfamiliar voice on the other end of the line. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be my aunt whom I haven't spoken to for approximately five years. I do not even think I've ever seen her since her family moved to Australia shortly after I was born and I have never been in much contact with her. I only remember speaking to her on the phone once or twice when I was still in high school and seeing some old pictures of her in my family's photo albums. It was nice and weird talking to her at the same time. Nice because I was eager to hear what was going on with her and her kids all these years, and weird because I only know her from pictures. In my mind, she is twenty years old, kind of a frozen image from the old picture as I cannot even imagine how she looks right now. We agreed that she'd email me some pictures of herself, so imagine my excitement when I got to work today and discovered an email from her. Not only did she gave me the latest update on herself, but also told me quite a bit about my ancestors, going as far back as my grand-grand-grand-grandfather which I found very fascinating.
It was definitely very interesting to see those faces and possibly dive in a little deeper into my own history. Indeed, I have never heard about these people and know very little about them (or most likely, nothing at all), but seeing them made me contemplate my lineage, if only for a few minutes. It is interesting how things have changed in just a several decades. Even the stories that I heard from my dad I know will never repeat themselves and never will that community come back to life. As much as people tried to keep close back then to preserve and pass on their identity, just as much it's becoming diluted now. And while I can see certain benefits of living in today's environment, I think that it must have been so much more fun living the way our parents did in the 60's or 70's, when the values were very different from nowadays and people seemed to be concerned with other, far more important things. I believe there are very few people now who are really aware of their own history and it disturbs me how unwilling all others are to find out about it. It is very sad though, as someone who does not know his history is not really worth their future. What's even sadder is the fact that it does not concern anyone any longer when they are so busy trying to catch up with the progress...
As long as they don't run so fast that they forget what they are looking for...
P.S. I also tend to cut my thoughts abruptly, but it is only because there is really nothing more to say, or so much that I will probably run out of space if I were to delve into the subject any deeper. Plus, I am leaving some space for future pondering and possibly further discussion.

Most definitely promising.

Well, what can I say, I've dealt with AJ, alright.... Although we spoke almost every day this week, we never found time to meet, either due to my busy schedule, or his (alleged). But, inevitably, it happened. Even though it was pretty exciting, I cannot help but wonder if sex only gets better with time? As in, once you get to know what the other person likes, it is that much easier to enjoy yourself and have fun in bed. And if so, how do you know when you should stop trying to improve what you have in case it doesn't work out the first few times? I checked in with my friend about it and he agreed with it, except for the time one should be willing to spend advancing each other's skills. I do think that once you clearly see it doesn't work out, it should be a sign it's time to part ways, or in some cases to remain friends if both parties agree. Unfortunately, I am speaking from my personal experience and I am aware what it can lead to if not addressed. But more about it later, I am in no mood now to delve into this discussion right now.
After AJ left around 7pm, I was contemplating going to DC since a friend of mine put together some girls-only party that I got invited to. But then it dawned on me - I have this room until tomorrow afternoon, the bed is great, they have tons of places that deliver food within a one-mile radius, it is freezing and windy outside, so why not just stay in and chill in the hotel. Which is exactly what I did. I ordered some sushi and stayed in watching some TV and enjoying my night away from everyone. And I mean everyone. I switched my phone to silent so no one could bother me and put a "Privacy please" tag on my door knob. When I woke up Sunday morning, I felt as if I just slept for eternity. Maybe it was due to the bed, or maybe because it was a first chance to get away in a long time without anyone bothering me or asking me what to do and where to go. Granted, I had quite a few missed calls and angry texts, but it was well-worth it. And although I realize I'd probably have had a blast had I called my friends and invited them over (which I definitely thought about in the beginning), I figured I needed some alone time to think through the past few weeks of my life. I have to admit though, I did no such thing, instead I chose to clear my mind from any thoughts that were bugging me recently and just do nothing for once. Absolutely nothing.
And the sushi was amazing too.

Birthday party.

I have taken quite a long break from blogging. Not sure why I haven't felt the urge to write something, but I definitely feel the need now, perhaps due to the fact that I finally woke up from hibernation and got back to the night scene. So beware DC, as I am back!
But moving on to more important things - so many things have happened since my last post that I most certainly do not remember half of them, but will definitely try to be as specific as possible. I think it only fits that I start with my friend's birthday celebration that happened yesterday. As it was Friday, I did not feel like getting out at all at first especially if you add the cold weather to my already cheerless mood. However, after much consideration I decided to venture out, if only to escape the never-ending-mind-numbing TV. Plus, I knew my friend was going to be furious if I skipped yet another dinner with her. The thing is, since she got married we barely see each other and I have already cancelled on her several times. I have to admit though that I did manage to avoid having dinner and only showed up for drinks, even though in other circumstances I wouldn't be so happy with my being stuck at work excuse. This time it worked though.
As most of this crew lives around here, they decided to go to a nearby bar where I later joined them. It was pretty damn awesome seeing all these people again, as I haven't seen some of them for almost a year. Definitely not since the last World Cup. As soon as I showed up, the birthday girl ran over to tell me that she wants to go to the bar and talk to some boys she has met earlier. It seemed like she's been waiting for me to go with her as she never asked anyone else we were with. Since I needed a drink anyway, I agreed and we made our way to the bar where I finally got my mojito and bought her a margarita. The bar scene was fairly good, although strangely familiar. It was only later that I realized how much it resembled college parties - from the decor, to drinks, to the overall feel. As I was busy catching up on the latest news, I did not care much. Plus, I was enjoying my drink a bit too much. No later than five minutes, I saw a guy making his way over to us with, as I thought, an intention to strike up a conversation. Thankfully, I was wrong. He worked there, and we actually got some T-shirts dedicated to St. Patrick's Day with a logo that read - gasp - "I love beer". So right. Although it was more like I-the shamrock-a glass full of beer. But you get the point. We also managed to get two badges in the shape of a shamrock that were blinking green. It does not seem as significant now, but made me extremely excited back at the bar when it seemed like it was only reserved for waiters... We stayed there until almost 1am, lost all our friends in the process (to be more exact, they went home since it was getting late for them).
My friend headed home shortly thereafter and I dialed up this guy I met a few weeks ago. He seemed funny and cool so I decided to give him a shot. Once we met up and talked for a bit though, I realized that there was no spark. None. Whatsoever. I wonder how can you enjoy talking to someone and at the same time not feel any connection beyond the friendship level. Shouldn't it be illegal? Shouldn't it be that you either fully take the pleasure in someone or not at all? Stupid chemistry... I did enjoy talking to him but I do not think I'd ever see him as anything more than a guy I can have a conversation with. Bummer. Although to be completely honest, I suspected something like that in the beginning but decided to give it another go in hope that things would pick up. They didn't. Oh well. No big deal after all. There is always a next guy. We did have fun time talking and laughing though, so I have not completely wasted my time. I got home a little after 4am and passed out immediately, exhausted after the work week and a subsequent night out, dreading the moment I had to wake up and finally do something useful around the house...

Are we that ignorant?

I was at work the other day trying to be productive for a change when a friend of mine sent me this link to some article. Knowing that this particular girl usually sends me funny jokes or stories, I didn't think twice about the content of an article as I clicked on the link. Unfortunately, as I opened it I realized it was some story about another dead Hollywood celebrity. Oh well, surprising and unexpected, but sending me the link while at work? A bit too much. I replied, "I'm crushed" hoping she would catch a sarcasm. She didn't. She actually thought I was serious about it and told me she was saddened when she read it. I mean, are you kidding me? Why is everyone I know so obsessed with celebrities and gossip? Do we really have nothing else to talk about or do we simply not care enough about what's going on outside of our borders and focus only on the within? Naturally, people pay more attention to things that hit closer to home, but even then it seems we focus our attention on some junk instead of real issues that are happening right in front of our eyes. It looks like we deem some celebrity gossip more important than economic or social developments, which are much more important and influential on our lives. Now, don't get me wrong, I think that celebrity death was a horrible incident, but I in no way see it being more important than the deaths of four teenagers who have been gunned down by a rival gang. This, in my eyes, is much more tragic and worth paying attention to. And really, don't we have our own lives to focus on that we become fixated on someone else's lives, on the numerous reality shows and people trying to get famous by acting stupid? I refuse to believe that there's nothing else going on with us that we glue ourselves to TV screen four week nights out of five to watch some new dumb reality show... Seriously, if you are that bored, get a hobby...
Anyhow, moving on. I could rant about it for hours.
I finally got myself out on Friday, and I was late for meeting my friends once again. We were supposed to meet up at 11pm. 11:07pm - a phone call, caller ID reads N., "I'm at your work, waiting for you outside". "Be there in five minutes", I lie knowing it'll take me a good ten to get there. 11:15pm - I am two minutes away, another phone call, this time it's R. inquiring about my whereabouts. "I am late, but apparently you are even later than that." "Already on the light", I tell him making a turn onto the main street. Word of advise, punctuality is not my thing... So let it go. Being way too lazy and frozen, we decided not to head to DC and simply hang out in the area. We went to a local bar and stumbled upon an 80's-themed-party. Overall, it was pretty fun and corny, although I have to point out some people there looked like they were partying in the 80's for real. I also have to admit this was one of few nights that went on without drama. Well, drama was happening, but surprisingly I wasn't involved. Do you know one thing that's missing at a great party? A gurney and an ambulance. As I stepped outside to smoke, I noticed a few police officers and ER doctors rushing toward a back entrance of the bar. Someone else brought a gurney shortly thereafter. I wanted to stay outside and watch what happens next, but unfortunately got too cold waiting around and had to go inside. As I heard later from my friend, someone had an alcohol poisoning and had to be taken to the hospital. Now we're talking 80's. True spirit of the times. Although I kept thinking, do you really need to party so hard that you require an ambulance and a stomach pump? You'd think a few shots and a drink here and there is enough... As I was about to head home, my phone beeped. A text from this guy, AJ, I met a few weeks back. Asking what I am up to. It's almost 3am, what do you think I am up to. Warm shower and even warmer bed, you idiot. I didn't say that though, instead I decided not to reply. I also decided to skip a shower once I got home, crawled in my bed and fell asleep immediately.
I'll deal with him some other time.

Melancholy.

It's been very chilly lately. As I've been driving to work today, I could feel the cold winter wind giving me goose bumps on my arms. Still, I didn't close the window because, I don't know if you ever noticed, but winter air has this specific smell I could sense while driving down the empty street. It reminds me of my childhood when we as kids would run out to play outside with the first snow, coming back home wet from the melted snow, frozen and red-faced from the harsh wind, and yet happy and excited from the time spent outside... Oh I think I forgot to mention, winter also makes me nostalgic about years past.
I still think that my early youth years were the best in my life. I don't really remember my childhood, having absolutely no recollection of what happened before the age of six. It also seems weird to me, knowing that I don't remember so much of my life. I do recall some bits and pieces, but it's more like a moment here and a face there. Other than that, nothing.
As I got older, I never cared as much about anything but spending as much time as possible outside until I was about fifteen. Looking back at those times, there's nothing better than the carelessness and freedom that is granted and, more importantly, accepted at that age. No bothers, no issues, no boys, just day after day of disturbance-free life. The only concern being what to do today, what to destroy, where to go. There were no anger, no resentment and no jealousy and everyone got along perfectly fine. It is only when we grow up, these feelings begin to surface and sometimes consume us, leaving no space for rational thinking. They become particularly evident in difficult and stressful situations when people are too exhausted to control themselves in order to hide their true emotions. I sometimes wonder how those innocent kids can grow up and develop these feelings at one point or another in their lives. I wish I could say I am any different, but unfortunately I am not. I, too, hated, or was angry or wished I had never met a particular person. And no matter how much we are trying to protect and defend ourselves against these emotions, we can't. Some will say it is in human nature to feel this way, that anger is just as natural as love, and that hatred is only a part of life. Perhaps it is. But thoughts and comments like these is what sometimes makes me wish we all stayed kids. No animosity, no hate. Nothing that spoils our lives once we grow up. No bitter feelings or regrets.
Maybe it is just me... or maybe it is winter...

Way to spice things up.

Ever wonder how to make dull things more fun? Yeah, so do I.
This was another weekend spent sleeping and watching "House" and "Law and Order". An update - "House" is totally addictive. Now I am officially watching two shows. Although the latter is only on on Friday nights when I am usually out so I really have to reconsider my last statement. Or get a DVD. When I started getting headache from being home all weekend, I called up my friend to see if he wanted to catch a movie. He did, so now my weekend fun consisted of going to movies on Sunday night. Great... Definitely need to shake things up. I just wish it wasn't so cold outside and I didn't have to spend so much time at work. I figured we definitely need something more than some dumb, albeit supposedly good movie to kill the remainder of an already slow weekend. So I grabbed a few bottles of beer and headed for a movie theater. When I showed up (fashionably ten minutes late), my friend had already gotten the tickets and we headed in. Luckily, we were late for the start of the seance, and missed all commercials and new trailers. I just love showing up late just so I can catch the movie and not the bullshit that precedes it. The theatre was almost empty so we picked the seats we liked and made ourselves comfortable and prepared to watch the movie. Unfortunately, I thought of it more than it actually was. Despite the amazing cast, I was bored within the first fifteen minutes. And freezing cold. So I figured it was time to pop that beer. My friend agreed so I handed him my keys and bottles and told him to help himself. I heard a faint pop, which I don't think anyone else noticed. But then I could distinctly smell the beer and I am sure the others in the theatre could too. To make things worse, I saw a movie attendant walking up the stairs with her flashlight in hands checking the rows. What a great way would it be to end a weekend than to be thrown out of the movies, in the best-case scenario. The worst - they will so going to call cops on us... after all they are parked just outside the entrance. To my relief, she did not notice anything and as soon as she was gone, we started drinking. Honestly, after twenty minutes or so the movie was funny and I was so warm I had to take my jacket off. Another hour passed by, and we finished all our beer, lost a bottle cap and knocked over an empty bottle, creating a noise you can't confuse with anything else. As my friend went fishing for a bottle cap, I caught a few people glancing in our directions most likely aware of what was going on. Too bad, couldn't care less about them. After all, I do not make comment when they slurp their sodas, or crunch their popcorn, or rustling with that candy and whatnot. So why do they become so concerned when they hear bottles falling over?
In general, the movie was great, although I think I have to watch it again now. I do not really remember what was happening in the second half of it. Someone got killed, I know that, but who or why I have no clue.
And another thought going through my head while I was driving home? Why is drinking in movies prohibited? I am sure they would get their sales up and some movies seem less dull had they allowed it. Don't you think?

Good on paper.

I have been so busy at work that I only found time to watch the State of the Union tonight. I have to admit though I tried to listen to it that same Tuesday, but the White House official website was acting up and wouldn't play the video. They finally got it fixed and I got a chance to listen to some more peculiar ideas my government was trying to feed me and everyone else.
I honestly have to admit that all these ideas sound very promising. In theory. Indeed, it delivered various ideas as to how to better the current situation in the country and overseas. However, in reality it addressed an assortment of proposals that would change very little.
Lets start at the very beginning. The first issue addressed, if I remember correctly, was economy. I particularly liked the idea of balancing our budget without raising taxes. What makes me suspicious about it is the fact that the federal government proposes to take money away from themselves. Now, how willing would you be to part with your money for some illusive purpose? My guess is, some proposals will be signed into law but most likely only to check that bullet point on the official agenda. "Yes, we've made an attempt to fix it. Check mark. Too bad it is not nearly sufficient." Now, with earmarks. Why is it the feds become so concerned with this issue all of a sudden? Doesn't it sound like another lame effort to balance or at least cut the deficit? And where is the guarantee it will be done or will be done effectively? I must repeat once again, these ideas sound fairly decent, but what troubles me is that it could have been done years ago. These proposals did not arise from some unexpected source (such as a huge funds inflow from the lottery and whatnot). These issues existed fro years but no one seemed to care about those enough to fix them or at least bring to someone's attention. Why should I believe now, when I am told it will definitely be addressed? That it won't slip through the cracks once again and disregarded by all in a few months?
Education. Don't get me wrong, but as someone who got their education overseas, I believe that the public school system is failing miserably in education across the broad spectrum of disciplines. Unfortunately, there's is an unacceptably high number of children who struggle at school and little is done to help them deal with it. I think that schools set standards that are too low to be challenging enough for students to get them interested in staying in schools and completing their studies. I do believe that the No Child Left Behind act took some steps in improving the process but I wonder if the entire school system requires some sort of transformation in order to be effective. If we need to do something more than preserve what is accomplished and build on it. If we need an actual reform from the bottom up. Once again, the government proposes a great idea of improving education but fails to mention how.
Healthcare. A lot has been said about it in the address but I am only going to touch on one point - affordable health insurance. Let me point out just one thing, if a person was not able to afford to purchase a heath insurance plan on their own, the tax break will not do much to alleviate the financial burden of monthly payments. The cost will far outweigh the benefits. Plus, lets not forget about deductible that all those "great" basic health insurance plans come with. Those alone will cost more than the alleged tax benefit. I did like the initiative to impose a standard tax deduction for health insurance, but once again it does little to help those who do not get it through their jobs.
Immigration. Can we hear something other than "Let us have a serious, civil and conclusive debate" one more time? Didn't catch a single alternative to the current situation, so no commentary here.
Alternative fuel and energy. I have heard of the alternative sources of energy for about ten years now, but to date no significant steps have been taken to implement this research to life, and specifically to apply it to energy conservation. We have been using solar, wind and nuclear (and by the way, can someone teach him to pronounce the damn word? I heard they have linguists at the White House) power for years now, but have yet to apply it to reduce the gasoline usage in cars. It will take years to finish and implement this kind of a program, especially if you take into account the forever-expanding gasoline usage in this country.
War on terror. No matter how noble the intentions, I cannot believe the methods the protection against terrorism was implemented. Tapping the phones? Virtually unlimited power to authorities? How is it not a violation of privacy and intrusion in personal lives? In this case, the ends do not justify the means. Religious clashes existed since the beginning of times and, unfortunately, nothing can be done to exterminate them. Unfortunately, an excessive intervention only fuels the hatred more and leads to an increased opposition and uprising against the perceived oppressors. The government has achieved absolutely nothing in the past few years but losing the trust of its own citizens and turn the entire world against itself.
Iraq. I think we lost the purpose of this war some two years ago. Yes, the old regime was destroyed, but what did we offer instead? Complete economic and political chaos? Now-daily bombings and kidnappings? People scared to go to work and kids terrified to attend school? There's no way the government can leave now, in that case the entire world, including Americans will shout of another failure, as they have been for years now. The government is scrambling now to find alternative solutions to the problems, but unfortunately there are none. So sure, lets send some troops hoping it will work itself out. Well, let me know when it does.
AIDS. I think the only reason it was mentioned was to show any real progress and achievements that was done throughout the year. I am in no way trying to belittle what was done, but I do think that it is our responsibility to provide help to those who need it and there's nothing to be bragging about. If you are doing it, do it quietly since people who need it appreciate it either way. And please learn how to pronounce that basketball-player-guy's name for he definitely deserves it.
Now on the last thought, did you notice that everyone who is anyone was there? Did you notice at least four supreme justices? Did you notice the four generals? Did you notice all those other important people? I thought it was an address to the nation, but it seemed more like a how-off to me.
All those ideas and suggestions did little to show the real ways of changing the current situation. Most of them could've been implemented years ago but since they haven't, it makes me wonder if there's any guarantee it will be fixed now. Other than that, I heard little but a simple description of problems with no real solutions to them. Isn't the State of the Union supposed to deliver solutions in addition to facts? If so, the 2007 one failed miserably to do so.

And to cheer you up, here are a few funny videos, apparently recorded by people who have nothing better to do than sit their and pick to pieces otherwise serious situations. Enjoy, those are a real TOUCHDOWN (or as our foreigners say, "GOOOAAAL!").
The first one is what I call, Hungry, Dick? , and another one The Blink Count, and my personal favorite, Funny Speeches. Once again, enjoy.

Forty two years later...

... we are having another war protest in DC. A lot have changed in four decades but apparently the reasons for this demonstration have remained the same. Thousands of people rallied earlier today seeing this as an opportunity to show the Congress that the country have turned away from this conflict. On a side note, finally... Only took three years. It seems like people finally realized that the war was started under false pretenses, that the government deceived them in order to achieve their own ambition. Because of the way America invaded Iraq, the rest of the world now sees the country as a bully and a hypocrite. Many people are now drawing parallels between this war and the war in Vietnam. No one up high seem to see the atrocities that are happening on the ground every single day, turning a blind eye to bombings, killings and kidnappings. We did our best to destroy the country, and yet we show an amazing thoughtlessness to rebuilding what we've ruined. The difference between Iraq and Vietnam though is the fact that Americans at least knew who their enemy was in the latter and realized who they were up against. The current situation is much more cloudy and unclear. The country was led to the war without clear evidence of whatever was claimed to have been found. Troops are fighting against terrorism with someone never directly linked to any attacks. Sounds a bit weird to me.
What this conflict did, most importantly, is ruin the image of the US throughout the world. We are hated pretty much everywhere. If we were looked upon only five years ago, we are now laughed at. Where we were feared, we are now despised. Talk to a foreigner who hasn't lived here and ask him what he thinks of us. Chances are you will not hear anything pleasant. Ask him how we are presented in their TV news and newspapers. Have him tell you what his friends think of the current situation. Or better yet, travel overseas and talk to local people yourself. Strike up a conversation with a salesperson, a waiter or a cab driver and listen to what they tell you. I bet their response will be worlds different from the bullshit we are fed here every single day. It's kind of like getting a second opinion from a doctor. Only in this case their opinion is what shapes our image and political and economic future on the world arena. Even now, a mere three years after the beginning of the war, we are in a big political mess with other countries distancing themselves from us and forming unions of their own in order to create a strong enough opposition to the USA. In the economic sense, dollar weakened significantly over the past few years yielding to all major currencies over the period of three years. If you go back a few years, when Euro was first circulated, the USD was gaining against it and the future outlook was quite positive. Fast forward to today, and it lost over 32%, 25% against the Sterling. If that wasn't enough, 2006 also showed major declines of a dollar against emerging markets in addition to developed markets' currencies. If this trend continues (and all evidence suggests it will), foreign imports will become increasingly expensive, driving prices in local markets up. This doesn't strike me as a positive and promising future for our economy that has just recently crawled out from recession.
But I got a bit distracted here. I didn't plan to talk about economics or financial markets in the first place. My purpose was to bring attention to today's protest hoping it would influence the Congress to do something about it in addition to all the talk. Like freeze funds, for example... What do you think?

A forced one.

You know how you come home from work exhausted and decide to take a short nap before starting your weekend? As I was leaving work today I figured I'd do just that before taking full advantage of the cheap drinks at this place near my work. The first part of that sentence worked out just fine. I got home and crawled in bed right after dinner and pretty much passed out only to wake up around 11pm... sucks. By that time, I had ten missed calls on my cell and multiple texts from people wondering why I disappeared. Also, by that time I knew it was way too late for me to go anywhere. But the worst part wasn't staying home all evening. The worst thing is, it is already after 4am and I am still wide awake. I actually went back to bed around 2am and tried to fall asleep but gave up after twenty minutes and got up again. Now I am cranky and frustrated because I know I'll end up sleeping until noon again and won't have time to do anything.
I am also pissed because I cannot manage to find my gloves. I am freezing my ass off every time I step outside but all my effort to locate them have proved useless so far. I know they are somewhere in my room but have no clue as to where. I also know I kept them in my bookcase last winter (don't ask me why I chose a bookcase, it worked for me so let it go), but moved them somewhere else during my spring cleaning and now I have no idea where. I just spent the last hour searching for them all over my desk and drawers, but with no success.
The next thing smart me decided to do was to read some memorabilia that I had kept from high school. It is mostly some letters and notes from my classmates, fun stuff we did when we were bored in class, our wishes to all our teachers on our graduation, etc. Mostly just bits and pieces which still didn't stop me from sniffling through my reading. At the end I realized that if I don't want to break into full-blown tears, I need to stop going through that stuff and so I stashed it away.
Now I really want to go back home. Nothing pumps up one's desire to do anything like memories. I actually have an urge to book the ticket for this spring and get on with it. Unfortunately, my conscious tells me to wait till fall cause it will be the best time to go. For whatever reasons that are mostly in my head, I don't want to go until the summer is over since I don't feel that would be the right time to do so. I am dying to go back though and am definitely looking forward to the day I finally do so. No matter what people keep telling me, no matter what I know in my mind, all that doesn't change it.
I kind of feel like sleeping now and I don't want to keep talking about my future trip cause it's just making me more upset and I don't want to start choking up again or anything... Not literally, mentally... For whatever reasons.

An unforseen encounter.

It is either winter or me getting old, but lately I have not been as eager to go out as I have been only three months ago. I'll have to go with winter since the idea of getting old is somehow bugging the hell out of me. Nonetheless I decided I need to get out in order to unwind. I was mentally adding up the hours I've worked so far this week and came up with a number 35. By Wednesday! Do you see something wrong with this picture? Yeah, so do I.
I almost stayed home last night, but eventually dragged myself out despite the cold weather. And I am happy I did. It was definitely a time spent wisely, if that expression even applies to a night out. We got to this lounge a little after midnight and while my friend went MIA, I decided to light up. I do want to point out that I was slightly surprised I was the only one in the close vicinity, but I didn't pay much attention to it. This was then that my other friend popped out of nowhere yelling in my ear "Why are you smoking here?" Um, why not? "You are no longer allowed to smoke inside in DC." Oh shit. Totally forgot! I looked around and that's when it hit me - no one around me was smoking... I could see clearly... I could actually breath without feeling like I am constantly smoking... I saw the sign on the wall announcing it's indeed illegal to smoke inside and quoting the fine for not adhering to the law. Oops... I guess I'll have to take it outside. The nice thing was, the lounge actually set up a smoking area outside equipped with the heating lamp so it wasn't so bad having to be out after all. It just blows that from now on, every time I'd want to smoke I have to step outside. My friend actually suggested it may kick my smoking habit... I don't think so. Reduce at best.
All in all, I had fun and have no regrets about coming out. As I was about to leave, however, I saw my friend's ex. He noticed me too and made his way over to say Hi. Well, nothing wrong with that. Little did I know he was there with his other friend, this guy I went out with a few times but decided not to pursue him after all. Shit... Since he already saw me I had to go over there, so I did. I gave him a hug, greeted him, and then he tried to kiss me on the lips. Are you joking? No, seriously! I did my best to turn my face away from him and partially succeeded. So awkward... I told him my friend and I were just leaving and walked away from him. Which part of we are not together doesn't he understand? I guess I can write it off on him being quite drunk... anything to put this situation behind me.
I made it home by 2:45am which still left me almost 5 hours for sleep. Considering I don't get to bed until 2 am on a regular day, it wasn't so bad. Went out, had fun and still sacrificed only 45 minutes of my rest.
This morning, however, is when the real fun began. I woke up to a voice mail on my cell. I didn't have time to listen to it until I was actually driving to work. Here's what it said, "Hello, [my name], this is [the guy I ran into last night]. I just saw you tonight so I wanted to let you know this is my new number. The number is (XXX)XXX-XX-XX. When you get this message, if you can make a call or send me a text message, it would be great. Thank you and good night." Or something along those lines. Received at 3:19am. Did I hear it right? Did he just ask me to call him back? Did he just leave his number on my phone? Did he just call me at 4am? OK, I am definitely writing it off on him being drunk and having no responsibility for his actions.
On a bright side, that same night I received a text from this guy I met over the weekend inquiring what I was doing and asking to "give him a call tomorrow or something". We'll see how that goes. I am not keeping my hopes up though, but whatever happens, happens.
Oh, and I am still debating calling the guy from last night...

An interesting side note.

First, let me just say how happy I am it's finally snowing. And, yes, it ruined my plans for yesterday, but no, I don't care about it. I was so excited to look outside my window and see snowflakes falling from the sky, and ground slowly being covered up with white blanket and the sky being this white-blue bright color that it turns only when it is snowing. Do not get it confused with the grayish tones it takes when it's raining, winter sky has this cold bluish palette that even looking at from the warmth of your house makes you shiver. I always get nostalgic with first snow. It's reminiscent of some of the best times when my life was careless and free of drama.
Nevertheless, I was forced to spend an evening at home since the roads weren't cleaned yet which made driving anywhere nearly impossible. Instead, I stayed in bed all night watching TV. Actually, more like flipping channels. Until I came across "Mythbusters" on Discovery Channel. I first became interested in the show about a year ago when they re-enacted a Kennedy assassination in order to prove a "magic bullet" theory. After that I became a convert and watch it every chance I get. Long story short, this time they were testing an old myth that the pirate eye patch that is thought to cover an empty eye socket was in reality a method that allowed them to switch between day and night vision in an instant, which proved helpful during unexpected battles. Basically, here's a story: a human eye contains two types of photoreceptors - rods and cones. Cons are receptors that are sensitive to and allow us see colors. Rods, which are more numerous and highly sensitive, are not sensitive to color. They are also responsible for scotopic vision. However, this dark-adapted vision is only obtained after a considerable period of darkness, because the rod adaptation process is much slower than that of cones. So, apparently the pirates kept eye covered at all times in order to preserve this light sensitivity of rods and make enhance their night vision. That way, whenever they had to switch between a lit room and a dark deck of the ship (for example, during an unexpected attack) they could simply switch the patch to activate their night vision to be able to continue in the dark. The best thing in this entire story though, is that the show was actually able to prove this myth, or to be more exact, found it plausible. I was truly fascinated by the thought that the primitive pirates as we, modern society, often think of them, were able to come up with such an amazing observation and apply it in real life to their full advantage.
Just thought it was an interesting fact I wanted to share...

Life is a challenge...

I have always wondered how some people can be sycophantic and condescending at the same time. I have gotten myself in yet another fight with A., as if Thanksgiving wasn't enough. Although I wasn't the one arguing or attempting to. The funny thing is, he always starts with picking the fight and blowing it up to enormous proportions and afterwards claims it's my fault for fighting with him. I would have believed him if I didn't know better and were slightly more sensitive to his ploys. However, this time was different in a sense that he finally showed himself for who he really is. I have always suspected him to be this kind of person judging by the way he spoke of his friends, but have never had any proof hence did not jump to any conclusions. Gave him a benefit of a doubt. Until last night when he really showed his true colors. I have a feeling he sometimes intentionally stages some situations in order to bring up something that happened in the past or bring his point across. Just so you don't think it's just empty words, here are some examples. He always asks me go meet him giving me a two hour advance notice and when I tell him I already made plans with friends, he gets mad. Basically, he tells me to drop everything I am doing or have planned and run hang out with him, which infuriates me immediately. First, I would never cancel on someone in order to hang out with another person - worse comes to worse, I'll invite them over to hang out all together. Second, it puzzles me that he thinks I am incapable of having a good time without him. What pisses me off even more is that he feels the need to drop all those famous names and parties he goes to and how he gets VIP access to events thinking it impresses me. Now, I am able to get into a lot of places and either get a table or receive a VIP access yet you don't hear me bragging about it in every conversation to make sure everyone knows how special I am. Yet he thinks it's some sort of a gift to me that he can take me to some bar he can get in to while claiming no one else can. The thing is, he forgets that I myself go out quite a lot and am familiar with DC and its parties and events. Therefore, I know for sure you don't need to know anyone to get in to the most of the places he mentions. Well, sometimes you need to get on a guest list but it certainly doesn't require knowing anyone, just having an email subscription to several websites that are hosting those events. But trust me, it takes about five minutes to register and it is not called VIP. The boy gets the guest list confused with the real thing when all you need to do to skip the line and get inside is show up. The sad thing is, this character trait never surfaced in him when we were seeing each other, and only appeared when we resumed talking. I think he felt the need to impress me or whatnot in order to get me back. One thing he didn't realize though was that I did not see him as anything more than a friend, therefore expected something from me I wasn't about to give. What's funny though, I told him I only want to be friends when we started talking again, but I guess he chose to ignore it thinking I will change my mind. Big oops on his part. He has no one to blame but himself for expecting something more when I made it clear in the very beginning it wasn't going to happen.
The worst part, however, was when he tried to both complement and insult me. Did he really think it'll work? Or that it'll somehow make me feel bad? I felt like he had the need to belittle me in order to make himself appear in a better light or to feel better about himself. Did he really think that by doing so he would make me realize that all this time he was a gift in disguise and that I'd run to him hoping he'd take me back? Didn't quite work. However, it did make me furious to the point I told him to stop talking to me. Ever. Nothing makes me angry more than someone accusing me of things I supposedly didn't do (when I never promised anything in the first place) or insulting me thinking it'll make me change my mind... I was truly amazed at how a person can go from nice and sweet to plain nasty in under five minutes. I was even more surprised to learn he wanted to be with me and nearly hated me at the same time. Nice combination, huh? In any case, I am grateful I never agreed to meet him after we split and kept our conversations very casual. I don't even want to think what he would have said had I seen him after we split up.
The worst part of this entire experience? I will never get my earrings back now...
... Life is a challenge - meet it. Sounds easier than it actually is, doesn't it?

Playing a mediator.

I never thought that when I accepted my current position a month ago, I'd have to include a babysitter to my job description in addition to my daily responsibilities. Honestly, when I heard everyone on my teams are going to be guys, I was happy since I figured there won't be any drama so typical for girls. Today I found out just how wrong I was. I actually had to play an intermediary for the most part of the day in order to bring two sides of my team to some sort of agreement. The question that bothered me after all the mess was over, was why do guys take things so personally? Do they take any commentary about their professional performance that close to heart? It's not like they are being evaluated on their sexual talent; I could understand why that part can be hurtful. I always wondered why they can't separate professional and personal parts of their life and every little remark is being taken as a brutal attempt to sabotage their reputation or crush their male ego. But seriously, if you can't finish your work on time and accurately, then I will definitely bring it up. Not as a personal attack, but rather as a constructive criticism (don't you just love this word?). Actually let me rephrase myself - not "can't finish", rather "don't bother to finish" in a timely manner. In fact, this scenario is absolutely unacceptable from my standpoint. If you have the means and the capability to complete the work on time, then do so. Don't come up with lame excuses such as, "it's Friday and I have to leave early because I plan to go out later in the night". Grow up, realize that it's your job and not a high-school math project, and finish it up... I don't get it.
Anyhow, I planned to go out tonight, but with all this crap going on at work, I was stuck there until almost 9pm. So I guess I am canceling tonight. Which doesn't mean I won't go tomorrow. I just hope this work drama won't carry over to the next day... I have enough of crap going on in my personal life and I definitely don't need any more of it at work...
Surprisingly, I am no longer fuming, hence stopping here.

Digression.

I recently had a conversation with my now-former-senior about the job market. Since he has been actively searching for a new job recently, he had a lot to bring to the discussion. I had more of a scientific approach to the topic, he had applied his experience from the real life. Despite all the hearsay about current conditions and the rumors of impossibility of finding a decent job for an average college graduate with a Bachelor's degree, I find it not being as tough as the experts try to convince regular people. For example, in a mere two months of him searching for a job, he lined up four interviews and actually had one offer. If it were so hard to find a job, I doubt he would have had so many opportunities in such a short time to try out for various positions... The company I work for is notorious for its high turn-around. It could be explained by a several factors, but the most probable of all is the average age our department being 25 years old. Think about it: if you are 25 chances are, there is nothing tying you down to a specific location, people or a living arrangement. You are free to go and do whatever you please... Awesome time to live your life to the fullest... But back to the point, most people who leave our department do so because they found another job. Therefore, most of what I hear or read about the job market is most likely exaggerated. If one looked, it is possible to find a job suited for their preferences provided they themselves are competent and /or experienced.
Now don't get this confused with another argument that many make and I somewhat agree with. That being that due to a higher demand in the work force and the perks of being young and just out of school, some of the offers may not seem so fitting. By perks I imply a well known fact that young, just-out-of-school professionals can only count on an entry level position. Which will probably mean longer hours, higher work load and lower pay. But this is something anyone has to go through in order to climb a corporate ladder and become somewhat important and valuable. On the side note, if your parents own their own business you are to take over in the future, please disregard this entire rambling. Does not apply to such. However, for the vast majority of us, it is simply a fact of life that we have to deal with. The relief comes from realization that we only have to suffer for a year, two or three before reaching that state where we can actually demand something from the employer. Until then, however, we are not in the situation to bitch and complain. I had this argument with a friend of mine some time ago. He was accusing me of working long hours and therefore not being able to get out. I asked him if he knew of any twenty-something who worked normal hours during their first year on the job. No answer... Point made.
Anyhow, maybe it all is just a pep talk right before my busy season hits, who knows... However, once those long hours pay off in a few years, I would be really appreciative of all the hard work I put in in order to get wherever I might be at that point. Otherwise, why bother, right?

An unexpected discussion.

I have never thought of myself as a religious person. Moreover, being the sceptic I am, I think that it is not possible to have an absolute knowledge and even the question of existence of the higher power is unknowable by nature and we as people simply do not have enough evidence to make that judgement. I just cannot possibly comprehend that everything that is happening around the world is acceptable, or somehow predetermined, or (and this is even worse) is supposed to be happening.
Anyhow, as I said I have never considered myself religious. However, I got a call from a friend of mine a few hours ago. The moment I picked up the phone I knew it was bad news. He told me a few months ago his dad had cancer and that there is no chance of recovery. Even though he was feeling better the last time we spoke, I knew that the doctors were just postponing the inevitable. And this time he didn't have to tell me anything - just hearing the tone of his voice I realized that it happened. Apparently it happened last Friday night, and he could not call me until Saturday night due to his religious observations. All I could even blurt out was "I am so sorry" - I have no idea what to say in these situations. What can you possibly say to someone who just lost one of the closest people in their life? I couldn't think of anything, but I really don't think he expected me to say much. I think he just needed someone to listen and know they are being supportive and care... Even though I have been friends with this guy for over four years, I have never known him so upset. He tried telling me that he knew it was going to happen eventually and that he was prepared for it, but there is no way in the world you can possibly prepare yourself for news like this. No one is ever ready to say good bye to people they love... In an effort to find some comfort and possibly alleviate some pain I decided I have no other choice but to listen to what he says. To my surprise, instead of talking about his dad started a discussion about some basic religious matters, such as the idea of heaven and hell. Even though I never interrupted him during his speech believing that it will help him deal, I did not agree with anything he was saying. I personally do not believe in the concept itself. If you ever refer to the older religions such as Buddhism, Judaism, Islam or Hinduism you'd discover that none of them have such notion. As such, both Buddhists and Hindus believe in reincarnation and therefore, instead of going to hell, are reborn if they have led an unsatisfactory life. As a result, the thought itself becomes illogical. Even though Judaism has a belief in heaven, it is not a place where righteous go after they die, but rather a place where the higher power resides. There is also a popular Jewish notion that all souls go to one place until the final judgement. Similar idea exists in Islam as well which refers to heaven as an allegory, while stating that hell will only be created on that same Judgement Day. That is why I was perplexed when I learned about the same concept in Christianity presented in an entirely different light. While it states that everyone goes to hell unless they repent, it also equalizes normal people with worst offenders. So how does it work? You do whatever you want with your life - lie, kill, cheat, whatever, but the moment you ask for forgiveness on your death bed, that's it? Done deal? You are forgiven and you go to heaven like everyone else? I don't buy it. I still think that the idea itself was invented during the Dark Ages to keep people obedient before the Church...
I do want to believe that one second spent in heaven equals to all the happiness that has ever been felt by people on earth, but somehow I do not think that the fact that we study Bible or what we do at the end of our lives crosses out everything we've done before. Plus I do not believe that someone out there (assuming there is someone out there) thinks that the direction the world is moving in is honorable and moral.
Anyhow, I did not cut him short since I knew he needed someone to tell him what he needed to hear. I do think it made him feel better assuming you can even feel better in a situation like this.
When I hung up, I decided I want to write about it since I didn't get a chance to tell him what I believe in - I figured I still need to express it. However, when I started I caught myself going back to the only funeral I have even been to. For some reason I could not help but revisit that day over and over. I finally had to stop, and I am actually finishing this post on a different day I started it. It was over seven years ago, still it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I remember this long walk to the cemetery, nasty spring drizzling rain and no one seemed to care about it. I also remember the long procession following the coffin and random people stopping on the street and taking their hats off to pay their last respect. It was an early spring and the snow drifts we still visible on the sides of the street, but no one seemed to notice the cold, or the rain. I also remember when we got to the cemetery, and the priest was talking for a very long time in a language I couldn't understand. Then he started singing and I still could not decipher a single word. No one else made a speech and I do not even think it was part of a tradition to make speeches on funerals. I also distinctly remember some people crying, some barely able to contain their emotions, and others trying to appear strong and somewhat detached. I hated when one woman could not hold her feelings in any longer and she just collapsed on the wet ground, weeping. I hated it because I was doing my best not to cry at that point, but looking at her made it nearly unbearable. I was actually somewhat relieved when people started picking up some dirt and throwing it in the grave, apparently also a part of tradition. After that, everything was pretty much a blur and the next thing I clearly remember is the part when everyone got back to the house, and when I realized that it was finally over... It was a tremendous relief. I don't think there is anything else that can be just as depressing and harsh as this experience was... Nor do I ever want to repeat it.

Mercedes built in China?

I recently ran across one interesting article on CNN involving, gasp, China. It seems like every other article in the business sector now involves China. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely amazed at their ability to grow with speed surpassing that of U.S. three times. Chinese economy recently outgrew that of Italy to become the sixth largest in the world and is, without a doubt, set to overtake U.K. and France in the near future. It's GDP (gross domestic product) grew, on average, 9.6% in the past decade, more than triple the pace of all developed countries. Measured in absolute values, its GDP yielding only that of U.S. Not bad for a country with a centrally planned economy up until less than a quarter century ago.
Now, any rational human being upon hearing all this would probably ask, "Well, what's in it for me?" I believe the word "globalization" rings a bell and if it doesn't, I suggest reading news at least occasionally. And even though I believe in the basic law of supply and demand and realize that in crease in the latter would bring the prices down thus increasing the purchasing power of consumers, I also realize its negative effects. In the wealthier country opening its borders to globalization, lower to middle income class is usually the one suffering the most. We already witnessed this trend in our own country, especially in the central and south-eastern states where thousands of people are currently unemployed or, even worse, underemployed. Underemployed means you are the only one suffering since the government still thinks you are working and supporting yourself and you family and usually ignores your outcries calling them groundless. As for poor countries, everything is not so peachy there as well. Take that same China. Despite its enormous economic growth, the country is still considered lower-middle income in per capita terms and still falls below international poverty lines. Moreover, income distribution within the country is rather surprisingly uneven, with coastal provinces achieving somewhat acceptable economic stability and interior regions still suffering from the harsh reality of poverty and stagnation. Economic development is also causing rapid deterioration in environment, and especially air pollution. Government officials are currently spending billions a year trying to clean up the air poisoned with smog and sulfur dioxide from coal-burning plants.
In addition, rapid growth in real estate have some investors rethink their strategy. If Chinese build more than they can actually utilize, the supply will far exceed demand meaning the owners will find it increasingly hard to rent out their properties and repay their debt. This, in turn, will leave a lot of foreign investors exposed with more real estate loans turning bad. Even though current outlook remains positive mainly due to a rise in real estate prices themselves, investors have to be on guard more so than with their other foreign ventures and be ready to act fast should something happen.
Anyhow, I am so off the point here. Well, I am not off the point per se, but I definitely have to narrow it down. Back to the article. According to CNN, Daimler Chrysler have recently signed a deal with China's Chery Automobiles for the latter to build small cars to be sold worldwide. Even though Chery markets its own brands of cars, these new cars will be sold as a Chrysler Group brand. The size and financial terms of the agreement are still unknown pending the approval of Daimler's supervisory board...
And now back to my seemingly unrelated tirade in the first paragraph. I think it is fairly safe to say that with things progressing as they are now, within the next ten years China can wipe out the lower end of the U.S. markets. By letting them into WTO, U.S. essentially gave them free access to its market. On their side, though, they maintain high tariffs on automobiles, they require U.S. automakers to make their parts their and to transfer technology. Naturally, they teach their local companies how to make cars. In addition, we are being high strung by undervalued Chinese currency. Doesn't it all seem a bit excessive? At what point do we have to ask ourselves if benefits outweigh the costs? And whether it is worth continuing it or, to be more exact, continuing it at the same pace as the last decade and a half?
While free markets certainly seems like an attractive perspective in economic theory, the reality has already bitten both sides in the ass once they experienced its negative effects.