Stuck in the middle.

I woke up late for work today since it seemed like no one was going to be there except for two other people. No one from management, anyway. Which naturally gave me a perfect reason to come in late... and leave early. I did have to run some errands though, so that's my excuse for leaving early, and I stick to it. Plus, I had to get ready for a New Year celebration despite the fact that I am definitely not feeling it.
As soon as I got home, I decided to check my email, something I got into a habit of doing ever since I found out that my work blocks them. And Facebook. And all other more or less entertaining websites. And there it was, the "Hi there. You don't know me but I have a question and you would be doing me a favor by answering it. Could you please tell me what your relationship is with S.? Please don't bring this up to him but I need to know. I don't mean any disrespect at all and if I have insulted you I apologize. Thanks." email. Sent yesterday afternoon. Really? I looked at the sender's address line - no clue who the person is. Where in hell did they, or rather, she get my email address from. How does she even know S. and I are friends? And then it dawned on me - good old Facebook, where else. I seriously need to block my profile there. I've been getting a lot of emails lately anyway from guys I don't know. I didn't even have enough time to ponder over this email, when I saw another message from the same person. This time, she wasn't so nice. "You know what... it doesn't matter anyway. You can disregard my previous email. If you're with him, or if any of your friends are with him... you can have him.
Thanks anyway". Alright, so we went from nice and polite to careless and, umm, benevolent in our desires to help with my search of significant other? Honestly, I could care less what's going on between the two of them, but I hate to be dragged into this. So I called S. to ask him about the girl. And yes, she did ask me not to tell him, but after all, what if she's some psycho that I need to be aware about? Just kidding. What I am not kidding about is the fact that I wanted to know what exactly I am getting involved in. So here's the scoop: apparently they dated a few months ago, broke up, but she never got past it. She saw a picture of me and him in his Facebook profile and decided to find out what's going on. The funny thing is, right next to that picture of me and him, there's another one of him and R. but apparently she decided to ignore it and went straight for me. Ugh, why couldn't she pick R. to stalk? I always seem to get the best deal...
So after he told me the story, I decided to reply to her email despite the fact that S. told me not to waste my time. I mean, her first email was proper, as for second... well, maybe she is bipolar, who knows. In any case, she deserved an answer. I got distracted with some other things though and when I finally decided to reply (which was about fifteen minutes ago), I had another email from her. This is getting exciting! "You really shouldn't have told him. As a woman I was looking to confide in you and vice versa, but I guess you aren't capable of that, and you have your own reasons I guess. Just a word of warning: he is manipulative and a liar. He's got serious issues that make him incapable of maintaining a normal relationship. Whatever he tells you about me, here is the truth: we were together almost a year and I've known him for almost twelve. He will tell you I'm crazy; he's wrong. I just deluded myself into thinking I could change him. So, I'm sorry if I dragged you into something that you had no part in - my mistake. I was desperate for answers and I still have none. I have to go on my gut and believe he hasn't been faithful to me, either with you or with other people. And I know you will show this to him or tell him about it - it doesn't matter. He and I are finished. Sorry again." Yes, talk about feeling desperate. It did make me feel guilty for talking to him for about a second, but after all, I did have my reasons to find out what was going on before I jump into it.
So I replied to her, to both of her emails. To the first one, "Hi, I asked him about you because I was wondering where you got my information (then i thought of Facebook since apparently that's how this whole story started)/or why you're thinking he and I have something going on. He didn't see any emails... I wouldn't show it to him either way. Here's the thing though- if you meant whether something is going on between me and him in a romantic way - you are wrong. I don't have a romantic relationship with him - never have either. I don't know why you are thinking that, but it's not the case. My friends are also not dating him. As for other people - I don't know, I don't talk/ask about his personal life. He is a friend of mine, and that's it. It is your choice to believe me but I really have no reason to lie since, as you've said yourself, I don't even know you. I don't know what happened between you and him, and it is between you guys and I hope you can figure it out somehow. Thanks and take care." Decent enough, I think, and respectful.
And to the second email, "Like I said, if he's been unfaithful to you, I am sorry to hear that, but it wasn't with me, or with my close friends. I can't speak for other people. I hope it will give you some answers you are looking for. Really, all we did was take some pictures while he, my other friend and I were all out. They do not have any connotations and if you look, there's exactly the same picture of him and my friend on Facebook as well... as well as with bunch of other people. I guess that's all... at this point I don't know what else to say so you believe me..." After I re-read it, it did sound like I was apologizing, which I hate but at that point it was too late as I have already sent it. Oh well. Cursing her out would be a much worse option, in my opinion. So hopefully, this will be the end of our little word exchange.
Although, when do I ever get what I wish for...

Unanticipated.

Last night, I met A. for the first time. Well, technically, it was the second time I saw him, but officially it was the first. I have to admit, though reluctantly, that I ended up having a good time. I came to DC a little bit early to get some pampering done before New Year. Nothing bonds you more with your friends as a trip to a spa...
We were meeting up at 9pm, so I told R. I would be back around midnight so we can go out somewhere downtown. Then I was off.
We decided to start off in Georgetown. He reserved a nice private table upstairs which guaranteed complete privacy. If I were in a dating mood, I would say it was romantic. Dim lights, candles and a table in the corner separated by panels ensured total seclusion. We spent a few hours talking before moving to another place a few blocks down. Again, we were able to get a table, despite the late hour (I assumed everyone was out for holidays). I still am not sure how it happened, but the next time I checked the time, it was almost 3am... Talk about being back by midnight. The good thing, we never shut up for more than a few seconds and the conversation was just flowing naturally. Apparently, this guy can talk his way out of any situation as well. At the end of the night, he dropped me off at my car and we agreed to meet up next week after he comes back from his ski trip. Ski trip... I hate him.
Oh and by the way... the guy was married before (is married?). I did appreciate the fact that he told me about it right away but the whole ex-wife situation makes me slightly cautious. I will need to talk to K. to fish out more information.
After he left, I went to R. place to pick up my stuff and again, we stayed up until 5am rehashing the details of my night out... Girls talk.
I think we are supposed to meet up for lunch today. And I am late for it... More to come.

Accidental date.

I am definitely definitely feeling like staying in today. It is raining, cold and nasty, so my bed and some nice wine, along with reruns of House seem like a perfect idea right about now. I was trying to relax this weekend after the week of non-stop outings. Today, it's been working out just fine. Although I am not sure it will hold up... Shall we start at the beginning though?
This week, as I've expected was painfully slow at work. No one was there and if I ever decided to show up late or leave early, there would be no one to prevent me from doing so. I've spent most of my time reading news and doing some market research. Fun, I know. I also strongly believe that at some point on Thursday, I've reached the end of Internet. That's when I knew it was time to leave. Yet, despite having nothing to do at work, I still didn't feel like doing anything tonight. I did my laundry though...
I also accidentally accepted a date with A. tomorrow night. I still sit here pondering how it happened. It all went approximately this way: as soon as I finished washing the first load of clothes, my phone rang. The call was from some unknown number, but I picked up anyway... against my better judgment and common sense. It was the guy I met at my friend's Christmas party. We spent some time socializing that evening, but I talked to him no more and no less as I would talk to anyone at the house gathering. As far as I remembered, he was doing promotions for a few places I like in DC, so when he asked for my phone number, I figured he needed it in case he and his crew planned a new party. Even now, as I talked to him and he mentioned something about going out tomorrow, I figured it was for one of their events. Hence, I said I was going to be there... "Alright, so I will call you tomorrow so we can settle the details and I will pick you up". Pick me up? That just spelled "date" for me. The phone conversation with R. half an hour later confirmed it. "Yup girl, he just asked you out on a date", she said.
Great. I mean he seems like a nice guy, but I really am not sure if I even want to jump into anything right now. These past few months have been really fucked up, and knowing my attitude towards dating, this one has more chances than ever to fail miserably. Nonetheless, I agreed to go out tomorrow. Either way, he didn't mention the word "date", so I could always claim it was just a friendly encounter. On the positive side, he seemed like an great guy, interesting to talk to, which is extremely important if you go out for dinner and drinks.
Because in this case, all you have to rely on, is the conversation itself and your communication skills. And obviously, my natural charm and magnetism...
As if...

The end is here.

So officially, my Christmas celebration started this Sunday when my family was having their usual annual dinner. It was pretty much the standard affair with thirty of my closest relatives and a whole lot of noise. And all I had to do was show up... which was pretty easy if you don't take into account the fact that I got to bed around 5am the night before. Yet, I managed it pretty well - I was home by 2pm that afternoon, which left me just enough time to take a shower and drag my ass to my family's place. A few hours later, I made some lame excuse and bailed out of there to have the rest of the evening to myself. To try to make what was left of it peaceful and quiet.
On Monday, I went to another Christmas party, this time the one my friend was throwing. The one I ran to get wine for the day before. I arrived an hour and a half late, and still was among the first who showed up. To be exact, I was third. It was a Russian party but for some reason everyone who came in, brought wine. A bit abnormal, if you ask me. Naturally, it was all gone by the end of the night. Wine or no wine, no one had a problem drinking it. The party was a blast and everyone ended up having an awesome time. I did notice something hilarious though - since we were stocked up on wine, everyone kept drinking it. Everyone, except the only non-Russian guy there. He was sipping vodka... I swear, at that moment the world turned upside down... the traditions just went down the drain... At some point, another friend of mine was trying to make a toast and when he brought his glass to mine, he broke the damn thing. As I recall, one moment I was standing there, glass on wine on my hands, about to take a sip, and the next - I see pieces of glass in my wine as that guy decided that my wine glass will withstand his beer glass. Naturally, it didn't... He said he was going to take care of the problem - he took the glass from me, poured the wine out on the grass, threw the glass away too (question, why the hell would you pour the wine out first?), and brought me a plastic cup. To avoid future incidents, I suppose.
We then had some more wine... then some shisha... then wine... etc., etc., etc...
At the end of the night, just when I was about to leave, another guy showed up to say there are tons of sobriety standpoints all over DC and that driving somewhere would be unwise, to say the least. At that point I decided to call R. to see if she can pick me up. She was free and agreed to come and get me. I decided to spend the night at her place since I wasn't feeling like driving and a bottle of wine and shisha I had didn't do much to wake me up... I woke up the next morning around 2pm, and after having breakfast (that R. conveniently cooked for me and her roommate) figured it was time to leave. R. said she was going to drive me back, but at that exact time A. called and said he was coming back from Reagan and could pick me up so we could talk a bit. I agreed, and so did R. (it definitely beat the option of having to drive me all the way back). I met up with A. shortly thereafter. Apparently, he still has a lot of shit going on for him that he's trying to resolve... We spent half an hour or so talking about different stuff and when he finally dropped me off and I made it home, it was 5pm.
Finally, the crazy weekend ended and I could breath free. Or free-er. It is only five days till New Year anyway, and I have a feeling the madness will all resume then.

Christmas Eve.

I am tired by now. I have been out every day since Thursday with no end in sight. Despite all my attempts to stay home, I ended up out again since I promised N. last week to meet her up for drinks. We decided to meet up in Georgetown to start off, and then possibly move somewhere else. That is, if the mood strikes us. Before our "date" though, I got a phone call from R. asking if I could come over before we all meet up so that we can go together. She also said she had some news for me... Marriage, anyone? At least that was my first thought... but she already told me she's getting married, there are no news there...
I got there around 7pm and trust me, the news were important. I figured out what happened as soon as I looked at her (even though she tried to play coy with me and make me wait until we got upstairs), but I also promised her I would not say what it is, so there goes... damn it, I can't say, but the news were, well, news. Can only be disappointed in your own inaction though. And unfortunately, I have to stop at this because if I say anything else, I may not live until 2008... We spent the next hour or so brainstorming different solutions and possibilities and finally came to conclusion as to what had to be done.
After that, we were off to meet the gang. I was so excited to N. and V. again as it's been forever since the last time I saw them. To be more exact, about four months. We had dinner with some wine and a small dose of flirting. At first, I kept exchanging some glances here and there with the guy sitting at the next table. No one noticed that except for V. Honestly, I was surprised he even saw anything since most of the guys I know are usually oblivious to what's going on around. He winked at me and then gave me a high-five. I think the guy at the other table noticed that since ever since then, his glances became more discreet. But not obsolete. Next, as V. and I stepped outside to smoke, some girl started a conversation with us, and according to V., was hitting on me. I didn't get any vibe from her, but I guess it's our conversation about strip clubs that made him think that way. Plus, I suspect she was hitting on him, but you never know these days...
We left an hour later, and since the mood has indeed stricken us, headed to the lounge in the Penn Quarter, where I haven't been since, probably, the early 2006. We had a decent time there, and were about to leave when I ran into this guy I went to school with. It was amazing to have run into him there since last I heard, he moved to New York right after graduation. Apparently, he came down here to visit his family for Christmas. We talked for a bit, catching up on the latest news and events, seeing where the life has swung us. He reminded me about the stupid class we have taken and complained about his current job, his trip home and his haircut... which he desperately needed.
After that, everyone was pretty much done for the night, so we headed back home shortly thereafter. I got to bed around 5am again, and had to wake up early since I had to pick up some wine for the house party my friend is throwing for Christmas. Tonight. That starts in six hours.
Damn, when will this all end?

Long live cheap beer.

Now I distinctly remember why I used to like college bars. You can argue all you want saying the crowd sucks, and so does the music, and overall it is not appropriate to show your face there after you graduated. Stop feeding me your bullshit... I am convinced now, it is all irrelevant.
As you've probably guessed, that's where I was last night. It was B.'s birthday and M. invited me to come along. Me, in turn, dragged along R. in case I should get bored and we decide to leave. Plus, I figured it would be a nice change of environment for both of us. We got there around 11PM convinced no one charges cover fees in a college bar. Wrong number one. They did have a cover. However, when R. and I headed out to a nearest ATM, the guy on the doors just told us to go ahead... Positive number one: nowhere decent in DC would you be able to sneak in without the cover (that is, unless you know someone). Here, you don't even have to ask. The first place I headed for, was the bar. Once again, I was sure, they don't even take a credit card. Wrong number two. They do. Positive number two: they don't have a spending limit on it, and sometimes they forget to put all that you ordered on your tab. Case in point, when my bill arrived, I was only charged for two drinks instead of three that I actually ordered. In reality, I still expected to pay around twenty dollars (including tips) for all that I had. Wrong number three. College bar drinks are dirty cheap since students never have money ( I was one, so I remember). Positive number three: I paid less than seven bucks for all my drinks. You cannot beat that... anywhere... in DC. But you also don't encounter uneven, impossible to dance on, floors anywhere in DC. Oh well, just one little flaw among all the positives...
Afterwards, the guys headed home, and I got a phone call from T. inviting me to join him at another DC lounge. R. was up for it and so less than twenty minuted, we were there. He smuggled us in to avoid the lines and check ups, and hence the party started. The moment I walked in there though, I ran into S. Whom I previously asked what he was up to but he didn't respond. Oh well. Misunderstandings happen... Nothing excitingly interesting happened that night, and after some serious body shaking (not from my side, mind you), R. and I headed home... Or shall I say, to get some food. I was tired as hell and was hoping to get something real fast and crash at R.'s place. But no, she decided it was imperative to drive all the way to Crystal City to eat... as if DC doesn't have McDonald's. But we did, stopping by to pick up some more food for S. too. We then headed to his house instead of R.'s, where we finally ate. At that point, I was practically starving and did not care much where we are going. Although I was the one driving while R. fed me some bread from the back seat. As soon a I finished my food, I pretty much passed out in the chair while S. and R. were still blabbing about nothing. We ended up staying their for the night, and she drove me back the next morning.
So here I am, having just gotten home, trying to get a hold of N. since she called me earlier this week to see if I wanted to go out.
Naturally, I am always up for it...

Shortie.

Guess what? I don't have to be back at work until Wednesday of next week. And even though Wednesday, January 3rd would sound much better, I am still pretty excited about it. So excited, in fact, that I started my celebration early by attending a Serbian party in downtown DC. It was very, very decent... waking up this morning was less than glamorous though. As usual, I overslept and had to literally fly to work to ensure I am only a little bit late. Which I was, but only about ten minutes. No one really noticed it since everyone was too excited with anticipation of coming vacation and a team lunch. We have been planning this lunch for a while now, and I was hoping that we would be able to leave right after it.
...Have you ever seen your senior manager lick his phone? Neither have I... until today. As soon as he finished talking on his cell phone, he looked at the screen and licked it... I swear at that exact moment I just froze and sat there, staring at him... at his phone... back at him... back at the phone. He soon noticed me shifting my gaze from one to another, blushed profusely, and told me he was just cleaning it.
"So that's how you cleaning it?"
"It was dirty...."
"And that's why you licked it?"
We all laughed for good five minutes after that. On the upside, it's good to know we don't have any germaphobes here.
We left work around noon to make it there on time, and naturally, everyone was late. No wonder, Christmas traffic is horrendous. Lunch, on the other hand was good. Leaving home right after it was amazing.
This weekend is shaping up to be pretty busy... It barely started and I already have every day planned out with a different activity.
Although when did it ever go according to the plan? Doubt that this time will be any different...

As expected.

This morning, I totally forgot about the meeting my director scheduled with me. I only remembered about it a few minutes prior to it, when my meetings alarm went off. As I predicted, he wanted to talk about my overall experience with the team. He did not fail to mention my potential permanent spot on the team either. So it seems like he managed to kill two birds with one stone, even before I had a chance to bring it up. And yes, it looks like I might have to look for another spot in the company because the lady who I am replacing is due back in the middle of January. He did say that he would like to keep me, but also mentioned he is not sure if it's possible since the team may be "overcrowded" then. Well, that doesn't mean shit if you ask me. That could be a sweet talk to better the fact that it may not work out after all. I don't know anymore... I guess I'll wait till mid-January and then... not sure what I'm going to do then. Although it does seem as if he wants to keep me on the team, you just never know. It may change tomorrow. After all, if there are no spots, then I can be a genius and I still don't get a position. It's just fucked up and now I feel like it's ruining my holidays. He did say though, that if his scenario doesn't work out, there are other spots in the company where I would be able to move to. Nonetheless, it is not a definite answer and not a promise... just an experience. Unfortunately, everyone knows that past results are not indicative of future returns. Plus, who knows how much longer I will have to wait before I feel secure here...
Feels like it's time to go home...

Get your booties on...

Today, I discovered a new feature in my phone. Turns out, it still works after you drop it on the concrete floor. That's a good one for someone as clumsy as I am... A piece of advice: never try talking on the phone while trying to put a shirt on... I am grateful for durable Samsung phones.
It turns out, I am not as helpless as I thought. Even though I had to stay up until 5am last night to finish the damn exam, I did it and I passed it. Now all I need to do is to actually read the book.
The classes got much better too. I enjoyed today's session a lot. Partially, because I was able to do everything that's required. But mainly because I stopped banging and scraping my knees on the bottom of the pool every time I'd come down. It also didn't hurt to have a full view of one of the instructors - and let me tell you, wetsuits show off every curve and each muscle. And the man looked damn fine. I wouldn't mind some private lessons with him. Although my instructor was amazing too. After all, the guy taught me how to breath through my mouth or nose, separately.
I truly cannot wait till we go to Nassau and do some real diving. Because fifteen feet is child's play for me. Forty five is more like it. Sharks being there helps too. If only R. and R. could go too. That way, we'd be able to turn those five days into a full-blown vacation. S. and I are working on convincing them.
Five days of blissful, uninterrupted fun... Damn, do we all need it...

Two bottles of liquor aren't enough, but three are too much...

... Why don't take five so not to run to the store twice...
I just came back home a few minutes ago. Tired as a dog running a marathon. Today has been hectic, with the exception of work, where I did nothing but sat on my ass drinking hot tea all day long. My director sent me an invite to a one-on-one meeting though for next Monday. Now I have two things in mind. First, he's going to tell me they have finally decided to keep me and my probation period is over; or second where he'll suggest I look for another spot in the company. Any of these scenarios might happen. It could also be a third possibility that he just wants to find out how I am doing and whether I have any concerns, but I highly doubt it's that. Honestly, at this point I'd rather know what's going on one way or another - the uncertainty is killing me. I would finally like to know what's going on to have at least some stability in one part of my life. Because so far, everything seems to be going wrong and falling apart.
I left work early to go to my scuba diving class. I think it is the only thing right now that's keeping me somewhat sane. Otherwise, it would be nothing but a slide downhill. I do have to admit that I am excited about it, despite the fact I haven't even opened the book. I am wondering if I can pass my final on Sunday without reading the book... I guess I'll find out tomorrow, when I open it for the first time in the last minute... We are supposed to be in the pool tomorrow, and water has a calming effect on me so hopefully that will help...
After my class, I went to Clyde's to meet a friend of mine, A. I haven't seen him in a while and figured it would be a nice time to catch up. When I got there, A. and few of his friends I never met before were there and it seemed like everyone was having a blast. We stayed there for about an hour, during which we managed to disrupt the place, drink a whole lot of wine (well, I am speaking for myself) and finish a three course dinner.... Although I do have to admit, we ended up sharing the food... And I finally saw A.'s new car. It rocks... I need to snap a few pictures for my album. It seems though that I am not the only one having problems. On our way back, we were talking and he brought up a very nice, if not convenient, thought. It is, after all, the end of they year and even though things seem to be going awry in every aspect of our life, the new year should bring more stability and comfort. Damn, I wish I shared his optimism. I wish you could just jump from one year to another, or month to month, and all your worries and troubles erased themselves. Wouldn't life be easy and convenient then? Just struggling through a few days in order to start everything all over again...
Life's a bitch though and I am too old now to believe this fairytale...

A reach out, perhaps.

Yesterday was absolutely crazy at work. It was our busiest day of the month, and everyone stayed until 11pm. At least now I can say that we are officially done... with this part. And I also truly hope I can leave early today to somehow catch up with what I missed last night. That is, if nothing else comes up.
Something funny happened last night. Well, I wouldn't exactly call it funny, but certainly thought-provoking. I was taking a short break from work around 8pm, talking on the phone to R. in the hallway, when it beeped twice.
"Hey R., I think I just got a text from you. Hang on"
That text message definitely wasn't from her. "I don't regret being with you. I always will be part of you. Hope we can talk one day..." There we go again. Wasn't the fact that I ignored his text last Thursday enough of a hint? Really, did he think it may take me six days to reply? I figured, by ignoring his last text message, I would "inadvertently" let him know it's over. Please notice the quote and my sarcasm... I guess it didn't. And what is up with being a part of me? Yes, I understand that he would like to continue seeing me, but sending texts will not make that happen. Just another confirmation that the only thing he is sorry about is that he got caught. Apparently, he doesn't have any other regrets about anything.
Neither do I, really. Just happy I found out... Better later than never.
I was thinking for a while whether I should even reply to the message. If I do, I might provoke more responses, and I am not too eager to hear from him again. If I don't, then he has the last word. So not happening.
So I said, "Do you really think we have something to talk about?". Not an invitation to talk, not a grain of understanding, nor hope.
And I haven't heard back...

An immense fuckup.

No, this is simply ridiculous. The only damn day in an entire month when I have to be at work early, and what do I do? I set my alarm for pm... When I woke up this morning, I felt something was wrong. After all, I actually felt somewhat rested and energized. I knew it couldn't be happening at 6am. Not with me. A quick squint at my alarm clock confirmed my earlier suspicion - it was almost 8:30 am. I had to be at work half an hour ago. I jumped out of the bed, flew to the shower... I swear it was the fastest shower I have ever taken in my life - five minutes and that's including brushing my teeth... Another five was wasted on trying to make myself look somewhat presentable. I gave up on that though and decided to simply dry my hair and try to pass it as a it-is-supposed-to-look-this-messy-bedhead hairdo. After pulling some random pants and a shirt from my closet, I was out of my house by 8:43am... Not bad for something that usually takes a full 45 minutes. Miraculously, I made it to work half an hour later. Naturally, my manager was laughing when he found out what happened but somehow I didn't share his joyful mood... I asked to leave a bit earlier last night, and was late today. Doesn't look too good when my evaluation is coming up... Oh well, at this point there's nothing I can do, nor can I influence anyone's decision. What's done is done and should something happen, I guess I will be looking for another position.
Speaking about yesterday. The reason I left early last night was to get to my first scuba diving lesson, and let me tell you, I am absolutely pumped up about this weekend. Or Nassau, for that matter. I just need to start working on my passport as soon as humanly possible...
Even though I knew I had to get up early today, I ended up staying pretty late wrapping up a few things. My friend M. was also online, and every time he is, we end up getting into some sort of discussion that starts off with "What did you do this weekend" and ends somewhere around the meaning of life. This time too, after discussing all our latest adventures, he made a good point that people always want to have something different from what they have already. Or that we always want what we can't have. Somehow I believe that it is in one's nature to yearn for unattainable or forbidden. It seems like the majority are not satisfied with what they have and always try to venture out there to "explore other possibilities". Or keep their options open. I am also wondering why can't we just be content with our current situation, and appreciate what we have. Perhaps be grateful for it? After all, many people I know who claim they are not satisfied are, in fact, more or less established individuals who, if they only dared to look at themselves from the side, would realize that their situation is far from the grim one they describe...
Since when have I become a philosopher?
And if I am supposedly so busy at work, how come I have time to post this blog which many would probably find useless anyway?

Illicit gestures.

I finally got out last night after a little break I've been taking. R. and I agreed that I'd be at her house between 10:30pm and 11pm, then we were supposed to wait for S. to wake up from his nap, and then go out around 11:30pm. However, I wouldn't be myself if I actually showed up on time... I got there around 11:45pm. S. wasn't there yet though so it wasn't like I was raining on anyone's parade. His Holiness finally showed up around 12:30am and we were able to go at last. At first, we tried the new place we wanted to check out forever, but it was so packed, we left and headed for [DC lounge]. Fortunately this time, everyone ended up having an awesome time... I think all three of us needed to get out. Seems like there's been some shit going on, and this week, it was with all three of us. So instead of busting anyone's balls we decided to go dancing and blow off some steam that way.
As I was dancing though, some guy grabbed my hand and tried to dance with me. I was in no mood to meet someone though so I just brushed him off. He didn't give up and five minutes later I felt his hand on mine again and this time it felt as if he were humping my hand. I remember thinking it was weird, but for the second time, I brushed him off and went outside for a smoke to give him a chance to get lost in the crowd. When I came back he was gone, and the rest of the night was fun, but uneventful. That is, if you don't count a dance off between five or so guys. I also ran into a guy whom I've seen at another DC hot spot quite often - turns out he is a manager there. R. and I ended up chatting with him for thirty minutes or so, which, I believe, has secured us an access to that place whenever we have a need to go.
The real fun started when we left the place and decided to get some food. On our way there, S.'s friend, W., joined us. We decided to grab a quick bite in my favorite place downtown and as we were waiting for our food, I saw a hand-humping guy walk in. He headed towards us and while his friends were ordering, broke a conversation with W. When we left, I told W. what happened in [DC lounge] and asked what the guy talked to him about. Turns out, the guy asked W. if I were with S. When he said "Yes", the guy smiled and said he could have taken me home with him if we hadn't left... Hilarious kid. Well, turns out that the hand-humping is actually a new gesture that means "Want to go home with me?" Well, that explains everything. The guy approached me on the dance floor, and when I turned him down, he apparently saw me talking to S. and figured we were together. After that, when he saw us at the food place, yet again together (I guess he ignored R. sitting right next to me), he decided to ask W. about it. And when W. "confirmed" us being together, he couldn't help but make a snotty remark. Oh well, just another asshole... what can you do.
I just seem to be running into a lot of them lately...

Closure?

So yes, even though it has been three days, whatever happened on Tuesday is still bothering me. Not as much though, especially after I talked about it with my friends. I have to say, I got a great deal of support from them and even a few suggestions as to how screw up his life. Don't think I'm going to follow it though. I guess one thing that I am missing now is some closure, or a real explanation. For example, an explanation as to how he managed to get away with me for the entire weekend without anyone finding out or getting suspicious. But how do you get closure in a situation like this? I am sure he's too much of a coward to explain himself further. If he kept this from me for this long, how can I really expect him to contact me again. Especially since he knows I am very against affairs... especially the ones I don't know I am involved in. Oh well... Another few days or so to snap out of it and finally move on.
On a brighter note, I met a few new people at work on Thursday. I was just so immersed in this mess that I totally forgot to mention it before. I had a work meeting on Thursday in another building and as I was walking back, some girl who looked remotely familiar stopped me... Let me back up here a little. This past Tuesday, we had a work training and the girl who was conduction it, referred to me a few times by name. Then as I was about to leave, I needed to schedule another meeting and while I was talking to the trainer, I noticed a girl standing a little bit to the side, looking at me from time to time. I still remember I felt a little bit weird, kind of the way you feel when you realize you have food in your teeth and no one tells you about it. However, they all left soon thereafter and I went back to my work, forgetting about it soon thereafter... Fast forwarding to Thursday, the girl was the same girl who kept looking at me during the initial meeting. We talked for a few minutes, and then decided to meet up for lunch. She said she was going to email me with details. When I got back to my desk, she did. We agreed to have lunch next Monday and she said she might bring along another friend of hers. Great, the more people, the merrier. The funny part though, is that I tried to get in touch with her a few weeks earlier, for a work-related stuff, and now it turns out it's the same girl whom I tried to contact. So, we'll see what's going to happen Monday.
Also, I finally brought myself to email my manager and discuss the possibility of ending my probation period at work to secure my position. I told her that I am very interested in staying with this department and asked for some feedback. I asked her if perhaps we can set up a meeting with her and my director to go over the details. Her reply? "I am considering you staying in this position. I will review the process and let you know. It is my decision and no one else's". What the fuck was that all about? I never got that kind of vibe from her, she always seemed so laid back. First of all, "considering" me, doesn't mean shit, it's neither a yes, nor a no. Second, it is not her decision and I don't know why she wants to make it sound like one. Third, she could have been nice in her reply. Oh well, we'll see what happens once she's done "reviewing the process".
At least if I could secure the job, I could focus on other things. I really don't need to be thinking about this too, on top of all the other drama that's going on...
Back to Three Days Grace.

Karma is a bitch.

The part where I feel nothing but revulsion. I am absolutely appalled and disgusted. Remember the guy I resumed hanging out with a few months back? How I stopped seeing him last summer, only to text him one night after having few too many drinks? How I decided to keep seeing him while I was single to avoid all the random bar hookups? Well, it was working out perfectly fine until today. Apparently, during that year that we had to contact with each other, he got married and conveniently forgot to mention it once we started hanging out again. Yup, you heard me right, married. I cannot believe that he lied about it and kept seeing me all these months. I cannot believe that he cheated on his wife mere months after their wedding. I cannot believe that he accepted responsibility of marriage and took vows, only to break them the moment I texted him. I cannot believe that every time we saw each other (which happened at least once a week), he would take his wedding ring off and put it in his pocket, only to go back to his wife a few hours later. I also cannot believe that he came up with the elaborate story as to why we can't meet up at his place... saying that since his parents go out of town a lot (which is true and which I knew before we stopped seeing each other last year), his ill grandmother and his cousins from California have to stay with him.
The thing that really ticked me off is the fact that he didn't have basic common decency to tell me about it when I texted him that fateful night. All he had to do was to say, "I got married", and I all I would say would have been "I am out". And I would run away to find myself another boy toy. It's not like I ever wanted a relationship with this guy, or anything at least remotely serious with him. You got married? Fine, there's more fish in the sea. I don't need a boy toy who is married. Nice to know you...
I am also wondering how long did he think he was going to pull this off for without me finding out? And another thing I am furious about? He still would have never told me about it if I hadn't accidentally found out. Which brings me to the second part of the story...
The part where I found out he is married. So we were supposed to meet up this past Tuesday and he picked me up that evening. As we were driving to his house, I saw what I first thought was a ring... I guess it was more of a glimpse and I didn't think much of it. He used to wear some monogram ring a few years back so I didn't really pay attention. However, later that night when we were fooling around, I touched his hand, and as I was sliding my fingers up and down, I noticed that the ring was gone. That was a little bit suspicious but I was too busy and involved in the action to pay any attention to it. As I was sitting at work today, my manager and director were sitting opposite me talking about something passionately. As they were gesturing and waving their arms up and down, I noticed that both of them had their wedding bands on the left hand (I knew they both were married so I figured those were wedding rings). I started thinking more and more about the ring that I thought I saw Tuesday night and just felt uneasy about the disappearing act. I also realized that the ring looked different than the one he wore a few years back. It looked very simple, more like a band. So I texted R. asking her if she knows which hand and finger people wear wedding bands on. "Left hand, I think. Ring finger, next to the pinkie", she said. His ring was on the left hand. Not sure about the finger though. I shared my concerns with R. and she told me to "confront the bastard immediately". She also said to call him, but I decided to text him instead. "Are you married?", I asked. Twenty minutes passed with no answer. If it's true, then his story with the grandmother was the perfect excuse not to meet up at his place. He replied after about an hour, "Yes, I'm sorry - I'm just so attracted to you". He also included a sad smiley face at the end of the text. That's his excuse? He's sorry? He's not sorry... He is sorry he got caught though... Which brings me to the third part of my story...
The part where the morals come into play. My five year old nephew uses similar excuses when he wants to prey a candy from his mother. What separates a grown up individual from a five-year old is the ability to accept and uphold responsibility. What was the point of taking those vows if he knew he would break them once the opportunity comes along? Granted, I heard from our mutual friend that the girl is a total bitch (I heard about the girl before, I just didn't know he married her). However, she can be the worst bitch in the world, and she still doesn't deserve it. It is not as if they lived together for ten years, didn't get along and he cheated on her. It's still doesn't justify the behavior, but at least explains it. No, he got married about a year ago, and already, he broke his promise... Or did he think that he took the vows and agreed to uphold them only until the temptation came along? "I am just so attracted to you"? Well, I am attracted to a lot of people, doesn't mean I hook up with them every chance I get. And being an adult.. pardon me, being a married adult, is about taking the responsibility once you enter marriage and stop sleeping around. I was thinking about it while driving home last night... This is the exact reason I don't want to get married yet. Not until I am absolutely sure I will not cheat on my husband. Not until I get the "have fun, fuck the consequences" attitude out of my system. I could, and do, a lot of crazy things, and I live by the principle "Do whatever makes you happy", but I would never, ever, mess around with a married man... Another thing? This means, he did, actually, take the ring off on Tuesday once he realized it was there, probably hoping I haven't noticed it.
R. asked me what I wanted to do. "About what", I asked.
"With him. Do you still want to see him?"
"Hell no. R., he's married..."
"Well, he's just a low-life scum".
She also asked me if I heard from after he admitted he was married. He's way too much of a coward to face it or to say anything else to me.
My other friend, A., told me that "he is messed up in his head and that he has issues". He also told me he would be less shocked if I told him I was pregnant...
My third friend (K.) whom I told about it called him a dumbfuck and told me he should go to hell (she used an exact expression that I cannot really translate as it would lose its meaning, but you get the point). And she still doesn't know the entire story... my manager walked in as I was talking to her today so I will have to call her later and tell the rest.
R. also told me this morning that I should track down his wife or his parents and tell them about it... It's not worth my effort. Karma is a bitch, and what goes around comes around.
At least I have to hope for it, otherwise life is really a bitch...
Listening to a lot of Three Days Grace helps though.