A trip down a memory line.

It has been more than a year since I graduated. I decided that in light of the passed anniversary, it is time to sit down and reflect on what had happened in this past year. As I look up at my slightly ripped diploma hanging on my wall I cannot help but feel both extremely happy and sad about everything that happened recently.
This post has probably been the hardest I ever had to write. I wrote countless paragraphs only to erase everything and start over. Everything that I came up with before, I did not feel fully it expressed what had happened and how it changed me.
School was tough and fun at the same time. Tough because I had to put myself through it, from tuition and related expenses to transportation. I am grateful my family provided me with a place to stay though, so I wouldn't have to rent an apartment on top of everything. I was given an opportunity to make something out of myself and I seized it and I succeeded. I guess the saying is true, that you can reach any heights you want. However, it also made me somewhat egoistical and, I dare to say it, arrogant. I had no one else to rely on, so there was no other choice but keep telling myself I was enough and handle anything that comes my way. And I most certainly could. But it made be harsh in my relationships with others. I cannot tolerate indecisiveness and flakiness, and I rarely give second chances to guys I am with. If you screwed up, you screwed up and have no one to blame but yourself. It made me self-reliant and now I am not seeking someone. If he is there - great, if not - even better thanks to countless potential opportunities. It takes a lot to keep me involved now. I get bored with them quickly and we split. I know deep inside I'd rather be by myself than with someone I am even slightly uncomfortable with. I play around when I want and I stay engaged when I want - I do what I want all the time. Some may call it inconsiderate. I would probably agree if there weren't other aspects that prove them wrong.
School also taught me about inconsistency in friendships. Thanks to this fast-paced life many have come to worship, it was extremely hard to hold on to friends. The ever-changing environment and a constant rotation between different places and cities diminished my ability to stick to a particular group of friends. I probably met a myriad of different people while in school, yet I have lost touch with the majority of them within only one year. My constant movements from place to place resulted in the absence of a stable circle of trustworthy people. I do have several good friends who I consider reliable and who I would turn to should the need arise. The amusing part of it is that they generally have not met, or are only vaguely familiar with one another. It's more like me in the middle and a group of people around connected to me but not to each other. Perhaps, the circumstances of our first encounters are so different with every single one of them that there are not a lot of common features among them to form a group.
I love my friends to death, yet I am somewhat of a loner. I cannot stand wasting my time sitting home and prefer to be in the company of other people, yet there are only a few I keep close. Only about half a dozen I can trust with everything and am sure they are always there for me. As much as I like the crowd, I cannot stand obnoxiousness. Just as I can't stand gossip and criticism aimed at people I don't know. Maybe that explains why more than a half of my good friends are guys. I hate drama and am drawn to people who feel the same. It is possibly for this reason that I get out of relationships at the first hint of complications or "the talk". And the reason I don't like to explain myself when I do so.
I am a child deep inside, yet I was forced to become an adult early and take care of myself. I've been doing just that ever since, still I don't feel I'll ever grow out of my ways. I easily compromise about insignificant things, but remain extremely stubborn when it comes to the rest of my decisions. I will listen to your opinion, but at the end will do what I want. It got me in trouble countless times, yet I am reluctant to change my opinion once I've formed it. I am told I should learn from other's mistakes, still I keep learning from my own. It's much harder but at least I never forget the lesson.
It takes a while to earn my trust. I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a few people I consider friends. I have a great distinction between these terms in my head even if I call everyone friends when I speak. Once I think of someone as a friend, I'll do everything to be there for them, to help them and to care for them. I am loyal to these people, yet ignorant when it comes to everyone else. I can deal with many things as they come my way, but I can never forget or forgive a betrayal.
I am aged at my young age by my experience, yet I am willing to accept whatever else it throws at me. I am not afraid of the challenge, I am looking forward to it. I am confident to the extreme that there's nothing I cannot deal with at this point. Not after I look back. Not after I have an understanding and knowledge that life taught me...

Window notes.

I died almost nine years ago. However I am not writing you to tell you how it is up here. I am writing to tell you my story. The story of my big love. And I also want to let you know that love doesn't die. Even in the other world. Even if others try to kill it, even if you want to too. Love doesn't die. Never. We met on December 31st. I decided to spend the New Year with my third wife at my old friends'. Until I met her, my existence was so pathetic and useless that I asked myself often, "What do I live for?" Work? Yes, I liked what I did. Family? I really wanted to have kids, but didn't have them. Now I know that the purpose of my life was to wait for that encounter. I don't want to describe her. Actually, I will not be able to describe her so that you really understand what she looked like. Because every letter, every line of this letter is saturated with my love for her, and I was willing to give up everything for every eyelash and every tear that fell from her sad eyes. So, it happened on December 31st. I knew I was in love right then and there. If she were by herself, I wouldn't have been ashamed of my third wife and would have made my way over to her within the first minute of our meeting. But she wasn't alone. She was with my best friend. They knew each other for only a few weeks, but he told me a lot of interesting things about her. And now, I met her. When the clock have chimed and the toasts have been said, I made my way to the window. The glass got misted from my breath and I wrote, "I love you". I stepped back, and the writing had disappeared before my eyes. Then there was a feast and more toasts. I came back to the window in an hour. I blew the hot air on the glass and saw "I am yours". My feet gave out and my breathing stopped for a few seconds... Love only comes once. And the person knows it instantly. Everything that happened in my life before this day - it was all tinsel, a dream, a delirium. There are too many words to describe that. But my life started on that exact New Year Eve, because I realized, I saw it in her eyes, that this day was also the first day of her life. On January, the 2nd we moved to the hotel and were planning to buy our own small place. It became a habit of ours to write notes on windows for each other. I'd write, "You are my dream". She'd respond, "Just don't wake up". We left our innermost wishes on the hotel windows, in the car, at our friends' houses. We were together for exactly two months. Then I died.
Now I only visit her when she is asleep. I sit on her bed and smell her skin. I can't cry. I don't know how. But I feel the pain. Not the physical one, but emotional. She has been celebrating New Year alone for the past eight years. She sits by the window, pours champagne in the glass and cries. I also know that she continues writing notes on the windows for me. Every day. But I can't read them because the window glass doesn't mist over from my breath.
Last New Year was unusual. I don't want to reveal all the secrets of the other world, but I have earned one wish. I dreamed of reading the last note she left on the window. And when she fell asleep, I sat by her bed for a long time, caressing her hair, kissing her hands... And then I made my way over to the window. I knew I could do it, I knew I would be able to see her last message - and I saw it. She left only one word for me, "Let me go".
This New Year will be the last one that she spends alone. I got a permission for my last wish in exchange for never visiting her and never seeing her again. This New Year, when the clock chimes midnight, and when everyone is celebrating and congratulating each other, when the Universe stands still awaiting the first breath, the first second of the new year, she will pour herself some champagne, she will walk over to the window, and will see my writing, "I am letting you go".

A shout from down under.

And I am back to work yet again. This three day weekend has passed by even faster than all the regular ones. Indeed, Friday and Saturday were pretty busy and intense, therefore it was Sunday evening before I could even blink. As much as I wanted to go somewhere on a Sunday night, I was forced to stay home since the weather was horrible. Even though I absolutely love snow, I cannot stand wind and sleet and that is exactly how the outside looked. As a result I had to refrain from any further adventures and instead curled up in my bed with a book. I intended to spend the entire day, or to be more exact, what was left of it, doing exactly that but then the funny thing happened. My phone rang and when I picked up I heard an unfamiliar voice on the other end of the line. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be my aunt whom I haven't spoken to for approximately five years. I do not even think I've ever seen her since her family moved to Australia shortly after I was born and I have never been in much contact with her. I only remember speaking to her on the phone once or twice when I was still in high school and seeing some old pictures of her in my family's photo albums. It was nice and weird talking to her at the same time. Nice because I was eager to hear what was going on with her and her kids all these years, and weird because I only know her from pictures. In my mind, she is twenty years old, kind of a frozen image from the old picture as I cannot even imagine how she looks right now. We agreed that she'd email me some pictures of herself, so imagine my excitement when I got to work today and discovered an email from her. Not only did she gave me the latest update on herself, but also told me quite a bit about my ancestors, going as far back as my grand-grand-grand-grandfather which I found very fascinating.
It was definitely very interesting to see those faces and possibly dive in a little deeper into my own history. Indeed, I have never heard about these people and know very little about them (or most likely, nothing at all), but seeing them made me contemplate my lineage, if only for a few minutes. It is interesting how things have changed in just a several decades. Even the stories that I heard from my dad I know will never repeat themselves and never will that community come back to life. As much as people tried to keep close back then to preserve and pass on their identity, just as much it's becoming diluted now. And while I can see certain benefits of living in today's environment, I think that it must have been so much more fun living the way our parents did in the 60's or 70's, when the values were very different from nowadays and people seemed to be concerned with other, far more important things. I believe there are very few people now who are really aware of their own history and it disturbs me how unwilling all others are to find out about it. It is very sad though, as someone who does not know his history is not really worth their future. What's even sadder is the fact that it does not concern anyone any longer when they are so busy trying to catch up with the progress...
As long as they don't run so fast that they forget what they are looking for...
P.S. I also tend to cut my thoughts abruptly, but it is only because there is really nothing more to say, or so much that I will probably run out of space if I were to delve into the subject any deeper. Plus, I am leaving some space for future pondering and possibly further discussion.

Most definitely promising.

Well, what can I say, I've dealt with AJ, alright.... Although we spoke almost every day this week, we never found time to meet, either due to my busy schedule, or his (alleged). But, inevitably, it happened. Even though it was pretty exciting, I cannot help but wonder if sex only gets better with time? As in, once you get to know what the other person likes, it is that much easier to enjoy yourself and have fun in bed. And if so, how do you know when you should stop trying to improve what you have in case it doesn't work out the first few times? I checked in with my friend about it and he agreed with it, except for the time one should be willing to spend advancing each other's skills. I do think that once you clearly see it doesn't work out, it should be a sign it's time to part ways, or in some cases to remain friends if both parties agree. Unfortunately, I am speaking from my personal experience and I am aware what it can lead to if not addressed. But more about it later, I am in no mood now to delve into this discussion right now.
After AJ left around 7pm, I was contemplating going to DC since a friend of mine put together some girls-only party that I got invited to. But then it dawned on me - I have this room until tomorrow afternoon, the bed is great, they have tons of places that deliver food within a one-mile radius, it is freezing and windy outside, so why not just stay in and chill in the hotel. Which is exactly what I did. I ordered some sushi and stayed in watching some TV and enjoying my night away from everyone. And I mean everyone. I switched my phone to silent so no one could bother me and put a "Privacy please" tag on my door knob. When I woke up Sunday morning, I felt as if I just slept for eternity. Maybe it was due to the bed, or maybe because it was a first chance to get away in a long time without anyone bothering me or asking me what to do and where to go. Granted, I had quite a few missed calls and angry texts, but it was well-worth it. And although I realize I'd probably have had a blast had I called my friends and invited them over (which I definitely thought about in the beginning), I figured I needed some alone time to think through the past few weeks of my life. I have to admit though, I did no such thing, instead I chose to clear my mind from any thoughts that were bugging me recently and just do nothing for once. Absolutely nothing.
And the sushi was amazing too.

Birthday party.

I have taken quite a long break from blogging. Not sure why I haven't felt the urge to write something, but I definitely feel the need now, perhaps due to the fact that I finally woke up from hibernation and got back to the night scene. So beware DC, as I am back!
But moving on to more important things - so many things have happened since my last post that I most certainly do not remember half of them, but will definitely try to be as specific as possible. I think it only fits that I start with my friend's birthday celebration that happened yesterday. As it was Friday, I did not feel like getting out at all at first especially if you add the cold weather to my already cheerless mood. However, after much consideration I decided to venture out, if only to escape the never-ending-mind-numbing TV. Plus, I knew my friend was going to be furious if I skipped yet another dinner with her. The thing is, since she got married we barely see each other and I have already cancelled on her several times. I have to admit though that I did manage to avoid having dinner and only showed up for drinks, even though in other circumstances I wouldn't be so happy with my being stuck at work excuse. This time it worked though.
As most of this crew lives around here, they decided to go to a nearby bar where I later joined them. It was pretty damn awesome seeing all these people again, as I haven't seen some of them for almost a year. Definitely not since the last World Cup. As soon as I showed up, the birthday girl ran over to tell me that she wants to go to the bar and talk to some boys she has met earlier. It seemed like she's been waiting for me to go with her as she never asked anyone else we were with. Since I needed a drink anyway, I agreed and we made our way to the bar where I finally got my mojito and bought her a margarita. The bar scene was fairly good, although strangely familiar. It was only later that I realized how much it resembled college parties - from the decor, to drinks, to the overall feel. As I was busy catching up on the latest news, I did not care much. Plus, I was enjoying my drink a bit too much. No later than five minutes, I saw a guy making his way over to us with, as I thought, an intention to strike up a conversation. Thankfully, I was wrong. He worked there, and we actually got some T-shirts dedicated to St. Patrick's Day with a logo that read - gasp - "I love beer". So right. Although it was more like I-the shamrock-a glass full of beer. But you get the point. We also managed to get two badges in the shape of a shamrock that were blinking green. It does not seem as significant now, but made me extremely excited back at the bar when it seemed like it was only reserved for waiters... We stayed there until almost 1am, lost all our friends in the process (to be more exact, they went home since it was getting late for them).
My friend headed home shortly thereafter and I dialed up this guy I met a few weeks ago. He seemed funny and cool so I decided to give him a shot. Once we met up and talked for a bit though, I realized that there was no spark. None. Whatsoever. I wonder how can you enjoy talking to someone and at the same time not feel any connection beyond the friendship level. Shouldn't it be illegal? Shouldn't it be that you either fully take the pleasure in someone or not at all? Stupid chemistry... I did enjoy talking to him but I do not think I'd ever see him as anything more than a guy I can have a conversation with. Bummer. Although to be completely honest, I suspected something like that in the beginning but decided to give it another go in hope that things would pick up. They didn't. Oh well. No big deal after all. There is always a next guy. We did have fun time talking and laughing though, so I have not completely wasted my time. I got home a little after 4am and passed out immediately, exhausted after the work week and a subsequent night out, dreading the moment I had to wake up and finally do something useful around the house...

Are we that ignorant?

I was at work the other day trying to be productive for a change when a friend of mine sent me this link to some article. Knowing that this particular girl usually sends me funny jokes or stories, I didn't think twice about the content of an article as I clicked on the link. Unfortunately, as I opened it I realized it was some story about another dead Hollywood celebrity. Oh well, surprising and unexpected, but sending me the link while at work? A bit too much. I replied, "I'm crushed" hoping she would catch a sarcasm. She didn't. She actually thought I was serious about it and told me she was saddened when she read it. I mean, are you kidding me? Why is everyone I know so obsessed with celebrities and gossip? Do we really have nothing else to talk about or do we simply not care enough about what's going on outside of our borders and focus only on the within? Naturally, people pay more attention to things that hit closer to home, but even then it seems we focus our attention on some junk instead of real issues that are happening right in front of our eyes. It looks like we deem some celebrity gossip more important than economic or social developments, which are much more important and influential on our lives. Now, don't get me wrong, I think that celebrity death was a horrible incident, but I in no way see it being more important than the deaths of four teenagers who have been gunned down by a rival gang. This, in my eyes, is much more tragic and worth paying attention to. And really, don't we have our own lives to focus on that we become fixated on someone else's lives, on the numerous reality shows and people trying to get famous by acting stupid? I refuse to believe that there's nothing else going on with us that we glue ourselves to TV screen four week nights out of five to watch some new dumb reality show... Seriously, if you are that bored, get a hobby...
Anyhow, moving on. I could rant about it for hours.
I finally got myself out on Friday, and I was late for meeting my friends once again. We were supposed to meet up at 11pm. 11:07pm - a phone call, caller ID reads N., "I'm at your work, waiting for you outside". "Be there in five minutes", I lie knowing it'll take me a good ten to get there. 11:15pm - I am two minutes away, another phone call, this time it's R. inquiring about my whereabouts. "I am late, but apparently you are even later than that." "Already on the light", I tell him making a turn onto the main street. Word of advise, punctuality is not my thing... So let it go. Being way too lazy and frozen, we decided not to head to DC and simply hang out in the area. We went to a local bar and stumbled upon an 80's-themed-party. Overall, it was pretty fun and corny, although I have to point out some people there looked like they were partying in the 80's for real. I also have to admit this was one of few nights that went on without drama. Well, drama was happening, but surprisingly I wasn't involved. Do you know one thing that's missing at a great party? A gurney and an ambulance. As I stepped outside to smoke, I noticed a few police officers and ER doctors rushing toward a back entrance of the bar. Someone else brought a gurney shortly thereafter. I wanted to stay outside and watch what happens next, but unfortunately got too cold waiting around and had to go inside. As I heard later from my friend, someone had an alcohol poisoning and had to be taken to the hospital. Now we're talking 80's. True spirit of the times. Although I kept thinking, do you really need to party so hard that you require an ambulance and a stomach pump? You'd think a few shots and a drink here and there is enough... As I was about to head home, my phone beeped. A text from this guy, AJ, I met a few weeks back. Asking what I am up to. It's almost 3am, what do you think I am up to. Warm shower and even warmer bed, you idiot. I didn't say that though, instead I decided not to reply. I also decided to skip a shower once I got home, crawled in my bed and fell asleep immediately.
I'll deal with him some other time.

Melancholy.

It's been very chilly lately. As I've been driving to work today, I could feel the cold winter wind giving me goose bumps on my arms. Still, I didn't close the window because, I don't know if you ever noticed, but winter air has this specific smell I could sense while driving down the empty street. It reminds me of my childhood when we as kids would run out to play outside with the first snow, coming back home wet from the melted snow, frozen and red-faced from the harsh wind, and yet happy and excited from the time spent outside... Oh I think I forgot to mention, winter also makes me nostalgic about years past.
I still think that my early youth years were the best in my life. I don't really remember my childhood, having absolutely no recollection of what happened before the age of six. It also seems weird to me, knowing that I don't remember so much of my life. I do recall some bits and pieces, but it's more like a moment here and a face there. Other than that, nothing.
As I got older, I never cared as much about anything but spending as much time as possible outside until I was about fifteen. Looking back at those times, there's nothing better than the carelessness and freedom that is granted and, more importantly, accepted at that age. No bothers, no issues, no boys, just day after day of disturbance-free life. The only concern being what to do today, what to destroy, where to go. There were no anger, no resentment and no jealousy and everyone got along perfectly fine. It is only when we grow up, these feelings begin to surface and sometimes consume us, leaving no space for rational thinking. They become particularly evident in difficult and stressful situations when people are too exhausted to control themselves in order to hide their true emotions. I sometimes wonder how those innocent kids can grow up and develop these feelings at one point or another in their lives. I wish I could say I am any different, but unfortunately I am not. I, too, hated, or was angry or wished I had never met a particular person. And no matter how much we are trying to protect and defend ourselves against these emotions, we can't. Some will say it is in human nature to feel this way, that anger is just as natural as love, and that hatred is only a part of life. Perhaps it is. But thoughts and comments like these is what sometimes makes me wish we all stayed kids. No animosity, no hate. Nothing that spoils our lives once we grow up. No bitter feelings or regrets.
Maybe it is just me... or maybe it is winter...

Way to spice things up.

Ever wonder how to make dull things more fun? Yeah, so do I.
This was another weekend spent sleeping and watching "House" and "Law and Order". An update - "House" is totally addictive. Now I am officially watching two shows. Although the latter is only on on Friday nights when I am usually out so I really have to reconsider my last statement. Or get a DVD. When I started getting headache from being home all weekend, I called up my friend to see if he wanted to catch a movie. He did, so now my weekend fun consisted of going to movies on Sunday night. Great... Definitely need to shake things up. I just wish it wasn't so cold outside and I didn't have to spend so much time at work. I figured we definitely need something more than some dumb, albeit supposedly good movie to kill the remainder of an already slow weekend. So I grabbed a few bottles of beer and headed for a movie theater. When I showed up (fashionably ten minutes late), my friend had already gotten the tickets and we headed in. Luckily, we were late for the start of the seance, and missed all commercials and new trailers. I just love showing up late just so I can catch the movie and not the bullshit that precedes it. The theatre was almost empty so we picked the seats we liked and made ourselves comfortable and prepared to watch the movie. Unfortunately, I thought of it more than it actually was. Despite the amazing cast, I was bored within the first fifteen minutes. And freezing cold. So I figured it was time to pop that beer. My friend agreed so I handed him my keys and bottles and told him to help himself. I heard a faint pop, which I don't think anyone else noticed. But then I could distinctly smell the beer and I am sure the others in the theatre could too. To make things worse, I saw a movie attendant walking up the stairs with her flashlight in hands checking the rows. What a great way would it be to end a weekend than to be thrown out of the movies, in the best-case scenario. The worst - they will so going to call cops on us... after all they are parked just outside the entrance. To my relief, she did not notice anything and as soon as she was gone, we started drinking. Honestly, after twenty minutes or so the movie was funny and I was so warm I had to take my jacket off. Another hour passed by, and we finished all our beer, lost a bottle cap and knocked over an empty bottle, creating a noise you can't confuse with anything else. As my friend went fishing for a bottle cap, I caught a few people glancing in our directions most likely aware of what was going on. Too bad, couldn't care less about them. After all, I do not make comment when they slurp their sodas, or crunch their popcorn, or rustling with that candy and whatnot. So why do they become so concerned when they hear bottles falling over?
In general, the movie was great, although I think I have to watch it again now. I do not really remember what was happening in the second half of it. Someone got killed, I know that, but who or why I have no clue.
And another thought going through my head while I was driving home? Why is drinking in movies prohibited? I am sure they would get their sales up and some movies seem less dull had they allowed it. Don't you think?